I am livid

I tend not to buy tinned food any more, despite living on the stuff whilst I was at University. It wasn’t just me, a friend of mine had a close relative who worked at a supermarket who would feed his habit at a massive discount. So, at the start of each term he would arrive with a couple of large boxes of tins which he would diligently stack in the kitchen cupboards. Then, at the first possible opportunity after he had finished unpacking them, we would remove all the labels. Oh how we laughed.

“What’s for dinner? Peach halves on toast?”

To this day I still have a sneaky look in friends cupboards whenever I visit in the faint hope of finding a large selection of tins just to play this brilliant, and massively underutilised practical joke.

Unfortunately, it seems most people have given up tinned food, which is a shame for practical jokers everywhere. I have also always found it amazing how long food lasts when it’s in a tin. If you were to buy fish from a fishmonger, it would start going off within 24 hours. However, if you put that same fish into a tin, then you could put it in the cupboard and make plans to eat it whilst watching the London Olympics (unless someone removed its label and you opened it whilst looking for fruit cocktail).

Does anyone know why does tinned food last so long? Is it magic?

When I die, I would like to be buried in a tin, so that if they find a cure for whatever I died from, they can dig me up and revive me. I hope that day is not too soon in coming though as I have not decided if I would prefer to be buried in oil or brine.

I hate to admit it, but I have been sucked into the Facebook craze that is sweeping the nation.

I am going to make a sweeping generalisation and assume that the people who read this have an inkling what Facebook is and what it does, at a basic level at least. Even the ones in Wales.

What I have noticed is that there is an application you can add to your page for absolutely anything and everything. There are applications to give you horoscopes, to buy your friends a virtual drink (really, what is the fucking point in that?), to become a ninja or a werewolf or a zombie. Even to draw virtual graffiti on someone’s wall. This one in particular I don’t get. Surely the link at the bottom saying “This graffiti is by Mr Angry” defeats the whole point of leaving gratuitously offensive messages? What is the point of writing, “Fat Jim bums sailors for pocket money” if everyone knows it was me?

What I really want to see are useful Facebook applications.

Shitometer - “Mr Angry has had THREE poos today. Do you want to let him know how many poos you have had? Click here!”

Bunch O’cunts- Found people on Facebook you really hate? Add them in here, it will send them random abusive messages, completely anonymously, and we get to see who the most unpopular people on Facebook are.

Violent Tendencies - “Mr Angry is going to smash FAT JIM’s head repeatedly into a wall until his brain seeps out of his ears like those really horrible custard bogies you get after a cold.”

Thoughts Aloud - “Mr Angry has thought about blow-jobs FORTY THREE times today. In his network only FAT JIM has thought of blow-jobs more often. Are you now thinking about blow-jobs? I bet you are. Click here and tell the world!”

Are there any Facebook applications you would like to see?