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Every time I sit down and think, “I should write something for the blog” I almost immediately find myself thinking, “I should save that for the podcast”.
It’s difficult, because I am torn between the desire to write down lots of jokes about how Ben sounds like Louie Spence from Pineapple Dance Studios, and the desire to tell them to his face when there is a microphone to record his reaction. Then there is the fact that it takes a lot less time to say it, than to write it. Which when coupled with my inherent laziness means that I don’t write it.
But next week I am doing something which I will talk/write about after the event, but first I wanted to give you an opportunity to offer me some advice in advance.
I am going Speed Dating!!
Ostensibly I am accompanying a female friend who wasn’t keen on doing it by herself, but essentially I will be a contestant (they’re called contestants, right?). I tried this once before many years ago, but got very drunk, couldn’t remember people, and subsequently ended up going on a date with someone I really didn’t like very much. This time I intend on being sober for most of it.
Three minutes might not sound very long to spend with someone, but you can do an awful lot of damage in three minutes, so I am looking for advice on questions I should ask, and details I should/shouldn’t share. So come on, give me some good opening lines or funny questions. I promise to use the good ones and report back with the answers.
Oh, and in the meantime, you can hear Cliff and I taking the piss out of Ben’s soundalike at our podcast site, plus we discuss elephants that look like Brad Pitt and whether the Pop would come quietly…
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Podcast 54 is here with myself, Cliff and Ben and we’re joined by William Hague. Well, not William Hague but someone who sounds like William Hague. Okay, it’s not someone who sounds like William Hague, it’s someone who thinks they sound like William Hague – but that would have made a rubbish title for the show.
Cliff tells us all about his meeting with a genuine rock star, Ben sets Cliff and I the toughest sports movie quiz you are ever likely to take part in, and we wonder about the origins of Australia Day whilst remembering as many foreign chat up lines as we can.
All this plus regular segment On This Day in History with births, deaths and the renaming of St Petersburg. Go and have a listen. Go on. Do it.
iTunes users can subscribe by clicking here or you can listen to the podcast by pressing the play button below. Clever people can subscribe in their player of choice with the feed which is here.
Twitter updates and the opportunity to be in next week’s show will be found if you follow us here.
Or, you could join our Facebook group here and drop us an email at podcastREMOVE_THIS_BIT@iamlivid.com.
In the late 90’s, at the height of their Saturday morning television fame, Ant and Dec had a game on their show called Wonky Donkey. The aim of the game was to guess what the animal was on the screen in front of you. The twist was that the animal would be altered in some way to ensure that it’s descriptive or complimentary element rhymed with the animal name.
For example, a three legged donkey, which Ant or Dec would wobble on the screen, would be a “Wonky Donkey”.
This theme was taken and used at friends very successful house party about 8 years ago. Entrance to the party was only allowed if you brought your own adult-themed ‘Wonky Donkey’. I took a toy monkey wrapped in black electrical tape with a cherry tomato in it’s mouth (Gimp Chimp), and there were many many other excellent entrants to the competition.
And now the party is being revived. This Saturday, another house party will take place with the theme Wonkey Donkey EXPLICIT.
This is where you come in. I am looking for the rudest, most explicit, most bad taste wonky donkey you can think of, as I only have a few days to source the materials to make it.
To give you a hint, some previous entrants were:
- Swine 69
- Necrophile Crocodile
- Spunky Monkey
- Arse-bead Centipede
You get the idea. So come on Internet peeps, show me just how clever and creative you all are…
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Podcast 14 sees Cliff and I rise to the email challenge to make our podcast “a bit more like those radio ones”. We have jingles, celebrity endorsements and even a bit of music. In between all that uninteresting stuff we discuss President Obama’s first twenty minutes in office, our experiences with horse riding, and what it would be like if we all used Facebook techniques in real life.
As always, you can listen to it below. You can also get the podcast feed here, find us on iTunes here, or join our Facebook group here. You can also drop us an email at podcastREMOVE_THIS_BIT@iamlivid.com.
Busy busy week. I have no idea where that came from.
Back tomorrow.
Promise.
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We entered the pro-shop of the quite posh golf club in a slightly timid manner. This is because I always feel a little bit out of place in posh places. I always think I am about to get caught out and asked to leave. Luckily, I am now well-skilled in feigning poshness, so I was only slightly uncomfortable going to the pro-shop desk to check-in for our fast approaching tee-time.
The bored looking young lady behind the desk was sat on a high chair and on the phone. Her mobile phone. She examined her nails as the conversation continued.
“Yeah, so I don’t have my inhaler you see, and I’m a bit, like, wheezy and that.”
I looked at her and she made that hand gesture that means ‘just one second’. The gesture you generally do not make to paying customers.
“So I was wondering if it might be an asthma attack?” she continued, whilst looking closely at one slightly damaged cuticle.
“No.” she responded, to a question from the other side of the conversation.
“No.”
“Not really”
“I guess not.”
Now, I do not have much experience with Asthma attacks, in fact the last one I witnessed was on a cross country run at school, and I used it as an excuse not to complete the run. What I do remember is a sense of urgency from the kid having the attack. It was obvious he was in trouble as his pleading look and inability to speak led to mass celebrations on my part for a legitimate excuse not to finish the run. The state of his nails was not a priority.
I had thought this girl must be an asthmatic, due to her mention of an inhaler, but surely all asthmatics know what an asthma attack feels like? Isn’t a history of such attacks what technically defines you an asthmatic?
She wasn’t there when we finished our round, so maybe it was one of those slow burning attacks.
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I tend not to buy tinned food any more, despite living on the stuff whilst I was at University. It wasn’t just me, a friend of mine had a close relative who worked at a supermarket who would feed his habit at a massive discount. So, at the start of each term he would arrive with a couple of large boxes of tins which he would diligently stack in the kitchen cupboards. Then, at the first possible opportunity after he had finished unpacking them, we would remove all the labels. Oh how we laughed.
“What’s for dinner? Peach halves on toast?”
To this day I still have a sneaky look in friends cupboards whenever I visit in the faint hope of finding a large selection of tins just to play this brilliant, and massively underutilised practical joke.
Unfortunately, it seems most people have given up tinned food, which is a shame for practical jokers everywhere. I have also always found it amazing how long food lasts when it’s in a tin. If you were to buy fish from a fishmonger, it would start going off within 24 hours. However, if you put that same fish into a tin, then you could put it in the cupboard and make plans to eat it whilst watching the London Olympics (unless someone removed its label and you opened it whilst looking for fruit cocktail).
Does anyone know why does tinned food last so long? Is it magic?
When I die, I would like to be buried in a tin, so that if they find a cure for whatever I died from, they can dig me up and revive me. I hope that day is not too soon in coming though as I have not decided if I would prefer to be buried in oil or brine.
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I hate to admit it, but I have been sucked into the Facebook craze that is sweeping the nation.
I am going to make a sweeping generalisation and assume that the people who read this have an inkling what Facebook is and what it does, at a basic level at least. Even the ones in Wales.
What I have noticed is that there is an application you can add to your page for absolutely anything and everything. There are applications to give you horoscopes, to buy your friends a virtual drink (really, what is the fucking point in that?), to become a ninja or a werewolf or a zombie. Even to draw virtual graffiti on someone’s wall. This one in particular I don’t get. Surely the link at the bottom saying “This graffiti is by Mr Angry” defeats the whole point of leaving gratuitously offensive messages? What is the point of writing, “Fat Jim bums sailors for pocket money” if everyone knows it was me?
What I really want to see are useful Facebook applications.
Shitometer – “Mr Angry has had THREE poos today. Do you want to let him know how many poos you have had? Click here!”
Bunch O’cunts- Found people on Facebook you really hate? Add them in here, it will send them random abusive messages, completely anonymously, and we get to see who the most unpopular people on Facebook are.
Violent Tendencies – “Mr Angry is going to smash FAT JIM’s head repeatedly into a wall until his brain seeps out of his ears like those really horrible custard bogies you get after a cold.”
Thoughts Aloud – “Mr Angry has thought about blow-jobs FORTY THREE times today. In his network only FAT JIM has thought of blow-jobs more often. Are you now thinking about blow-jobs? I bet you are. Click here and tell the world!”
Are there any Facebook applications you would like to see?
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