Archive for February 2009
I went to Fat Jim’s for dinner.
Fat Jim likes to experiment with food. As I have written about in the past. He is a bit like a really bad Heston Blumenthal. But with hair.
To his credit, the actual dinner was quite nice, though I suspect his new wife has to take much of the credit for that.
Then it came to time for the dessert.
“I thought we’d try something a little different.” said fat Jim to the assorted dinner guests in what I sincerely hoped wasn’t his sex voice.
This is never a good sign. I have barely learned to tolerate the normal Fat Jim without him trying something a little different.
“We’re all going to have a go at making dessert.” he continued, completely ignoring the dinner party convention of preparing all the food for your guests. But he wasn’t finished.
“..,out of Yorkshire puddings!”
“That’s not a dessert!” I helpfully pointed out.
“Well, not on it’s own. No. But we have chocolate, and cream and nuts, and fruit and alcohol and all sorts for you to try and sex them up a bit before cooking them.”
I was less than convinced. Yorkshire puddings are best served slathered in gravy and next to a big slice of topside roast beef. Not underneath chocolate shavings and crushed nuts and with a hint of Cointreau.
I am not in the habit of admitting that Fat Jim was right, and I don’t want to start now, so I’m going to leave this story right here.
dessert · dinner · dinner party · fat jim · yorkshire pudding
Podcast n-n-n-n-nineteen arrives with Cliff and I beginning this week’s show with unheralded levels of unpreparedness, though we doubt you will be able to tell. We discuss Cliff’s television viewing habits, how Hitler passed his German citizen exams, and why the Internet is melting your brain (according to the Daily Wail).
iTunes users can get it by clicking here. You can still listen to the podcast by pressing the play button below, or you can subscribe to the feed which is here, clicking on this should give you various subscription options for a podcast player of your choice.
Twitter updates and photos from during the show can be found if you follow us here.
Or, you could join our Facebook group here and drop us an email at podcastREMOVE_THIS_BIT@iamlivid.com.
It is like a little link party this post, isn’t it?
A couple of my married, loved-up friends had found themselves at a loose end on Friday night due to a Hen Do reunion being held by a joint friend. This led to the most excellent suggestion of having a “lads night in”.
The four of use would have lots of beer, order a curry, take the piss out of each other, play music too loud and mock each other’s ability to play golf on the PS3.
As Friday night plans go, this was one of the best ones I had heard in the whole of February.
I was really looking forward to it.
The night arrived, and as I finished my seventh can of continental lager, I realised my expectations for the evening had been somewhat awry.
“Have you got any more wine already chilled?” asked my friend The One Who Talks A Lot of our host.
“I want to top up before showing you this absolutely hilarious video on YouTube of a cat swinging from a ceiling fan.”
“Perhaps we should open up another tab in Firefox, you know, and browse to some porn?” I helpfully suggested.
“Just in case the girls come back early and see us gathered round the lap top and get the wrong idea. I’d rather they thought we were watching young girls debase themselves on the Internet, than chuckling at home movies of cats.”
Thankfully the laptop was put away by the time they arrived home, and no-one will ever know our dirty little secret.
It’s been a bit quiet around here recently, hasn’t it? I know that, you know that, so we might as well come out and say it.
It’s not you, it’s me.
It’s because I’ve been playing away from home. Sorry about that. But like a kinky adulterer, I am now hoping to get you involved in the action.
I have been working a new website. There, I said it. And now I’d like you to come and have a look at it.
It’s a spoof news website, parodying UK Internet news reporting. I already have a small team of writers contributing ‘news’ articles for it, and who knows, maybe you will become one of writers too?
So without further ado, I present NewsArse.com. Where we never let the truth get in the way of a funny story.
Podcast 18 arrives with unheralded world-famous musical accompaniment. Cliff and I discuss the week’s news including whether submarine drivers exchange insurance details after a prang, if a 13 year-old boy is actually a secret baby-faced paedo, and whether the Jacksons are right to throw billions at the new “Disney world of the slave trade”.
Plus, Cliff insists on mentioning an essentially unimportant football match that took place at the weekend (if you listen right to the end you can hear a phone message Cliff left for me before the game when he heard I’d wrenched my back at the gym. The git.)
iTunes users can get it by clicking here. You can still listen to the podcast by pressing the play button below, or you can subscribe to the feed which is here, clicking on this should give you various subscription options for a podcast player of your choice.
We are also now on the latest technology fad, Twitter, and you can follow us here.
Or, you could join our Facebook group here and drop us an email at podcastREMOVE_THIS_BIT@iamlivid.com.
Honestly, we get fucking everywhere…
Following the guilt trip I had been enjoying since telling you all about the conversation with my mother last week, I did something nice. I took the time to print off some family photos for her that I had taken during the Christmas holidays. I had to do this as old people do not use computers and the Internet, so sending her a link to Flickr was pointless.
There were about twenty photos in total, with family members in varying states of inebriation. I knew she would like them.
Unfortunately, I had to visit the Post Office as I had no idea how much it would cost to send them since the Post Office changed their rules so that anything more than a sheet of rice paper requires two first class stamps.
I waited my turn in the queue and was finally dealt with by a chipper gentleman who seemed a bit too happy about the fact that he was behind a post office counter on a Friday afternoon.
“That’ll be £1.10.” he told me after weighing the photos and including the envelope I had purchased in order to post them.
I handed over some money and waited for my change. He mumbled something at me as I picked up the shrapnel he had passed to me under the bullet proof glass.
“I’m sorry?” I queried.
“I said, can I interest you in credit card?” he repeated.
I didn’t know how to respond. I have heard of post office workers raiding personal mail in order to get hold of credit cards and spend on them before they are listed as missing, but it was a bit brazen of him to offer one to me. I only wanted a stamp.
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“Would you like a credit card. From us here. We have some good deals.”
Ah. It was a legitimate business offer. This made a bit more sense. I did not want a credit card as it happened, but I found it strange that in these times of crunchy credit, people are finding it extremely difficult to borrow money from a traditional source of cash; the banks. And yet here, in a place I least expected it, at the Post Office, they could not give me some almost-but-not-quite-free money fast enough.
Is the solution to all our problems really as simple as getting the Post Office to lend money to the banks?
I don’t have any, before you get excited. It is just that the title seemed appropriate to the story.
It was last Wednesday morning and my phone went off at 8am, which it does not do very often. A quick glance showed it to be my parents home number. It is worth pointing out at this juncture that my parents never call me. Ever. I think the last time I had a call from either of them was six months ago when my Mum had been hit by a bus (she is fine, apart from the screaming in terror every time a bus appears on TV).
It was my Mum.
“Don’t worry. Everything is OK!” were her first words, clearly anticipating my panic.
I took this to be her way of breaking some exceptionally bad news to me in her gentle Irish manner.
“What do you mean everyone is OK? What’s happened? Why are you calling?!”
“Oh, I just wanted to tell you that we’re snowed in. We had a LOT of snow last night.”
“Right.”
“It’s quite beautiful actually.”
“And you called to tell me that at 8am because you assumed I hadn’t listened to the news, looked at the Internet, turned on a television, or indeed opened my curtains?”
“Well, when you put it like that…”
“Is there any danger of it melting in the next hour or so? Or was it really essential you call to tell me about it at this very moment?”
We agreed that adverse weather conditions no longer necessitate a phone call outside normal office hours, unless a) someone has been hit by lightening, or b) a freak tornado has caused millions of pounds worth of improvements to my home town.
mum · phone call · snow · snowed in · weather
12
Christian Bale’s train set rant
3 Comments · Posted by Mr Angry in Celebrities, Current Affairs
For those of you who don’t listen to the podcast (I know you’re there) the Christian Bale segment is now up on Youtube, mainly because I wanted to play around with the features of iMovie in iLife 09.
Watch it below. Or don’t, it’s up to you…
christian Bale · rant · spoof · Terminator 4 · trains
The podcast is 17 today, and whilst it goes out joy riding, Cliff and I discuss the matters of the day including slutty students, polydactorism, and why Barbie is a shit role model for today’s 50 year old women. Plus, we give you yet another exclusive as we reveal the SHOCKING TRUTH about Christian Bale’s recent outburst!
The good news is we are back in iTunes, whose users can now get the podcast by clicking here. You can still listen to the podcast by pressing the play button below, or you can subscribe to the feed which is here, clicking on this should give you various subscription options.
If you know anyone still subscribed to the old feed, please let them know, as we appear to have lost about a hundred of you during the recent transition. Unless you just don’t want us to find you? In which case, like an Ethiopian in a fluorescent vest, you can run, but you can’t hide…
We are also now on Twitter, and you can follow us here.
I go to the cinema quite a lot. I had a student job as a projectionist, so I’ve always had a fascination with the Big Screen. But we are in a recession, so every penny counts, and I am not as flush as I used to be. So, when my friend Amy mentioned she had borrowed a moody copy of the newly-released film, The Curious Case Benjamin Button, I suggested a few of us get together to watch it on my newly installed cinema system. Though technically illegal, I was pretty confident that I could do a deal with the senior officer to grass her up to save myself having to do any serious hard time.
We were joined by the Fat Jim’s and settled in to watch a movie that has been nominated for numerous awards.
I knew full well that Amy had only selected this film because Brad Pitt was in it. I am not stupid. She once said that the only reason she would kick him out of bed would be to shag him on the floor. This led to a little game for Fat Jim and I to play during the film, a film in which Brad Pitt starts really old, and gets younger.
We called it, “Would you fuck him yet, Amy?”
She seemed to think that this game was sick, for merely suggesting that she might shag a bald, ninety year-old, arthritic Brad Pitt.
It was still a sick game when he was eighty-five. “You wouldn’t kick him out of bed, you might break a hip.” I helpfully pointed out.
It turned out however, that SHE was the sick one, as she would “probably” have sex with a seventy year-old Brad Pitt. The fucking septuagenarophile pervert!
We had reached the point where Brad Pitt had got down to about sixty, and Amy was all agog, when the sound went off. The picture was fine, but the sound disappeared. I tried cleaning the disc, playing it in my Xbox 360 instead, fast forwarding it to a different chapter. Everything.
It was simply a shit forgery.
I suppose I should be grateful for this stark reminder that counterfeit films are not as good as the real thing, and that they put cash directly into the hands of the drugs trade (though I think it’s fair to say a large number of actors and film execs put their cash in exactly the same place, so my watching moody films merely cuts out the middle man).
In hindsight I am pleased the sound failed when it did, as I have no idea what sort of frenzy Amy would have been in had Brad ever got to twenty-five.
6
The Atheist Bus bitten back
11 Comments · Posted by Mr Angry in Consumer Issues, Current Affairs
A letter sent today to the Advertising Standards Authority:
Dear Sirs,
I am writing to complain about an advertising slogan soon to be seen on the side of a buses in central London. It proclaims, in large letters, that there DEFINITELY is a God. I find this interesting, as my long-term agnostic stance would most definitely be softened if there really was a God. I have always found the thought of eternity in Heaven an attractive prospect (who wouldn’t), but the arguments for God (all of them, I am not discriminating by picking on any one of them) seemed weak at best, and laughable at worst.
So as you can imagine, I was delighted to see this advert. Imagine, proof at last that there was, without doubt, DEFINITELY a God watching over us!
So I got in touch with The Christian Party to enquire about this new proof, and to see if I could help spread the word of it’s arrival. It is after all, a momentous occasion in the history of our planet. Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that?
Do you know what I found out? NOTHING has changed! I know, it was shocking to me too. In fact, all I found was a suggested donation on their home page of TWO HUNDRED POUNDS! I found nothing to show there definitely is a God. Nothing whatsoever.
I can therefore only conclude that this is an elaborate money-making scam. Perhaps it is one of those pyramid things I have seen on Watchdog. I don’t know. All I know is that there will be many consumers that, like me, fall into this trap after seeing an advertisement promising there DEFINITELY is a God. I believe this is what you call “false advertising” and I would like to know what you plan to do about it.
Yours sincerely,
Mr Angry.
I will post any response I receive.
atheist bus · buses · christian party · God · London · Trinitarian Bible Society
“Do you need anything from the shops?” I asked, helpfully.
I had knocked on a couple of my elderly neighbours doors to see if they wanted anything whilst I popped out to the shops during the “The Worst Snow Fall In Years”.
My first neighbour had chuckled and said they were fine but thanked me for asking anyway. The second had asked me for a bottle of milk, which I was happy to pick up. The third though, had looked at me strangely.
“The shops?”
“Yes, I’m heading that way, and I noticed your car hadn’t moved since the snow came down, so I wondered if you wanted me to pick anything up for you?”
“I’m not giving you any money.”
“Well, yes, I understand that. I don’t mean to be patronising, I just wondered if you wanted anything, as I was heading that way anywa…”
“Is this a scam?”
“No, I assure you this isn’t a scam. I couldn’t scam an old person even if I wanted to, which I don’t, as most of you are skint anyway, so you’re perfectly safe. I’m happy to get you what you need, provide you with a receipt, and you can pay only for what you want.”
“Where’s the catch?”
“There isn’t one, I promise.”
“There’s always a catch. Is this one of those hunting scams I’ve read about?”
“It’s not a scam, I’m only trying to help, honestly.”
“No. No, I don’t think so.”
And with that, she closed the door on me. Admittedly, she is someone who I have only spoken to maybe a couple of times in the three years I’ve lived here, but still, I would have hoped to have garnered a little trust among our small community.
Somewhat unusually, I felt good about myself having at least made the gesture, but now I am struggling to stop myself from knocking on her door to see if she said “hunting” when she actually meant “Phishing”.
neighbours · shopping · snow
Drug pushers are targetting ever younger people in order to generate demand for their products. It is a shameful practise, and one we should all be doing our level best to eliminate.
But how do you spot a drug pusher? And how do you know if a young person has been taking illegal mind-altering narcotics? First up you should watch out for people in authority trying to get you to take drugs just because of their role in society. I am talking of course about DENTISTS and their so-called MEDICINE!
And what about the effects to look out for? This helpful video should be a guide to all young parents looking to diagnose a junky child.
The podcast begins to take a keen interest in girls as it reaches it’s 16th birthday. Cliff and I waste another half hour with our discussions on Bart Simpson the Scientologist, Christian Bale the American-ish Psycho, and my first highly successful internet date! As if this wasn’t enough, we also have a world first exclusive interview with the most powerful man in the world! You really are very lucky indeed.
You can listen to the podcast by pressing the play button below, or you can subscribe to the new podcast feed which is here, clicking on this should give you various subscription options. iTunes users should be able to get the podcast by clicking this link. We have not yet given up hope of restoring our iTunes page, so watch this space.
We are also now on Twitter, and you can follow us here.
