One of the best things about being a bloke is having the ability to take a leak standing up. Yes, I know women now have the she-wee, but it is not the same, I have tried it.
The ingenuity of man has taken this basic physical ability and used it to develop the most space saving urinals imaginable. I am talking of course about those urinals that are essentially long silver walls with a drip tray below waist height. There is no personal space in such an area, you can literally be touching the people on either side of you whilst trying to take a whizz. I do not suffer from stage fright, but if I did, that would be hell.
Of course, this means that the queue for the gents is generally smaller than for the ladies, which is nice, but we do still have to queue. At least until a gap appears, which we then fight our way into.
The gap that opened up for me was pretty central, and I took position trying not to knock the guys either side of me and throw them off their aim.
I was pissing almost straight down the drain whilst the piss from three men to my left, and three men to my right sloshed it’s way to the drain right in front of me.
That’s when I noticed it. A bright orange stream of piss from the right, slowly diluted before gushing down the drain. Now, there are certain places on earth where starting a conversation is frowned upon, you might be sat upon a jury, at 11am on 11th November, or during a Best Man’s speech. But none is worse than whilst taking a piss next to a stranger. Which is why I look back with regret about what happened next.
“Someone’s got a New Year’s resolution to take Berocca then?” I offered.
There was a chuckle. Then another.
“Thank fuck, I thought my girlfriend was trying to poison me!” was the response from the end of the line.
There was further chuckling. A voice then chirped up from the other end of the urinal.
“I don’t believe in all that shit. They just want your money. It’s all bollocks.”
The silence resumed, but with a few extra notches of awkwardness as no-one wanted to debate the relative merits of branded vitamin supplements with the potentially mentally unstable gentleman at the other end of our line.
I finished, shook, zipped up and washed my hands leaving the toilet without making eye contact with anyone. I vowed never to start a conversation at the urinal ever again.
Cynical Scribble · January 16, 2009 at 9:00 am
It’s in the unwritten rules to never start conversations at the urinals. It can lead to all kinds of awkwardness. A man of your stature should now this by now!
Z · January 16, 2009 at 9:26 am
I’m glad to be a woman.
Lin · January 16, 2009 at 9:28 am
Imagine being silent in the ladies – no-one to ask if your hair is ok or compliments on your taste in shoes or even discuss last night’s shenanigans – unbelievable!
Miserable swine · January 16, 2009 at 9:32 am
LOL – made me smile
Rudi Somerlove · January 16, 2009 at 10:07 am
From Wikipedia: Berocca also advertise specially to bloggers, giving away free stress kits and packs of Berocca to bloggers who sign up.
Hmmm, I think we need to be told! Have fun with your ’stress kit’ though ;?))
Misty · January 16, 2009 at 10:22 am
How do you guys feel when us girls run in covering our eyes “not looking not looking”
and disappear into a cubicle?
Sometimes you just cannot wait out the queue in the ladies!
GrumpyB · January 16, 2009 at 10:47 am
“Misty: How do you guys feel when us girls run in covering our eyes ‘not looking not looking’ ”
We get a warm feeling down the side of our leg as the guy next to us turns to take a look.
Keef · January 16, 2009 at 11:43 am
What the f*ck is a she wee? it just looks like a plastic funnel to me. Do any of the female posters here use such a thing?
More to the point why are you trying one out Angry?
Misty · January 16, 2009 at 11:57 am
Keef – have never used a shewee, thats why I sometimes have to use the gents instead.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · January 16, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Cynical – It wasn’t so much a conversation, as a random comment at everyone. I still regret it though.
Z – I am quite sure your partner is pleased about it too.
Lin – Do you talk when, y’know, you’re ’sat down’?
miserable swine – Happy to oblige.
Rudi Somerlove – You mean people are getting paid to write this shit!? Do you think they’ll pay me in hindsight for highlighting one of their less pleasant side effects?
Misty – We know you’re looking.
* Makes a mental note never to piss next to GrumpyB *
Keef – It’s a device that allows you to do standing up, what normally requires sitting down. I tried it with a number two. It didn’t work.
Misty – I’ve seen them for sale in pubs and at festivals. Especially those where actually sitting would be a danger to your health.
Lin · January 16, 2009 at 1:50 pm
I have no probs talking anywhere…
Megan · January 16, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Lin – brave lass. I can’t bear those shouted conversations over the flushing and that – particularly with my boss.
Angry – what of Winston Churchill who, when Attlee asked why Churchill was weeing waaaaay far away replied, “because every time you see something big that’s functioning you want to nationalize it!” Granted, the opportunity to use that one might not occur terribly often, but you might want to keep it up your sleeve just in case.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · January 16, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Megan – I also like the Churchill quote that Cliff told me on this week’s podcast. He was drunk and a female party guest said to him, “If you were my husband I would poison you.” to which he replied, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
tideliar · January 16, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Here in the States guys often chat at the urinal. It takes a lot of getting used to. Even now, I still shudder when the guy next to me turns, tries to catch my eye and begins a conversation about the fucking weather…
wolf · January 17, 2009 at 5:37 am
You have given me the awesome idea to go down to the local pub with a bottle of purple food coloring and pour it in while I pee. I’ll see how long it takes somebody to say something.