I have previously written about the difficulties of working for Al Qaeda. Not only do they have trouble recruiting staff, I mean, can you trust an employee who is motivated solely by the promise of eternal sexual favours? But they also have the problem of funding.
That is where I come in.
Last week’s post advising George W. Bush to use the law to his advantage got me thinking, and as a result I do have another tip for Al Qaeda – Sponsorship.
I think it is fair to say that when Osama Bin Laden releases a video, it is seen by the entire Western world. How hard would be it be to preface each release with a short message?
“This warning to the godless infidels in the West is brought you by Starbucks – your pick-up in a cup.”
Don’t say that no-one will pay to sponsor something as morally questionable as Al Qaeda, because Virgin paid £3m to sponsor Big Brother, so there is a precedent. I believe this will work because the advertising industry truly has no moral compass.
I know what you are thinking, you are thinking that it is not true that there is no such thing as bad publicity, after all, Gary Glitter is hardly storming up the iTunes chart, is he? But that is wrong. Trust me, if he had been hounded back into the UK drinking a can of coke you would all have been going, “That dirty bastard! How did we let him come back here. But you know what, I have got a bit of a thirst on now…”
On a personal note, it is really disappointing to find out the one thing you are good at is advising terrorist organisations. There is not much career development there. I doubt that any terrorist organisation would ever believe that I was running a genuine agency.
“Ha! I bet this is a secret MI6 plan to capture us!”
“No, honestly, I genuinely want to help you leverage the value of your brand.”
It wouldn’t be the first time a brand has been associated with Al Qaeda either. I bet that deep down, in the place where we have the thoughts that no-one talks ever about, the Marketing team at Porsche were secretly pleased that the phrase ‘9/11′ took off. I can almost hear them saying, “…and please let one of the terrorists have been called Cabrera!”
advertising · al qaeda · osama bin laden · video
Keef · October 15, 2008 at 10:40 am
I don’t understand why Al Qaeda can be all that short of cash, why don’t they just raid their pension fund it must be wildly over-subscribed by now.
I suspect an insurance company might be a better sponsor that Starbucks.
This fatwa is sponsored by AIG your policy excludes religious crazies with tea towels on their heads crashing planes into your house or chopping your noggin off. Also not valid if our chairman bunks off to the Bahamas with sackloads of dosh.
Megan · October 15, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Wait – employers don’t trust people who work solely on the tenuous promise of sexual favours to come? Damnit! My entire career is now explained. Blast, now how do I carefully work my new enlightenment into my next evaluation meeting?
On another note – shouldn’t Al Qaeda seriously consider a recruitment campaign for women? I mean, with all those scruffy-bearded spot faced true believers blowing themselves merrily to smithereenies all over the place there must be a plethora of male virgins hanging around in the after-life, and I’m thinking given the gender imbalance an awful lot of them won’t be in any position to be too choosy…
Misty · October 15, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Megan – I prefer a man who knows what he’s doing, never did understand the whole virgin thing. Apart from molding them to do exactly what you want, ah now im gettin it!
Di · October 16, 2008 at 2:30 am
Plethora of male Virgins? I’ll pass ta. *Shudders remembering that time on the Isle of Wight*
ubermouth · October 16, 2008 at 4:01 am
hahahahaha. Excellent post m’lord.
I will definitely visit you in prison when you are dragged off for sedition.
Megan · October 16, 2008 at 6:47 am
Misty -
An excellent point. I was being selfless and trying to think of the greater (marketing) needs of Al Qaeda, and the somewhat greater (erm… personal) needs of the possible Al Qaeda Feminine Totally Committed Martyrdom Squad. For those specific individuals – beardy and spotty ain’t so bad. I assume that everyone else… well… I certainly hope… has a better grasp on things.