As Uncles go, I am a pretty damn good one.

I recently visited my young nephews, who are 4 and 2 respectively.  This is good news because they are reaching that age where they finally understand the concept of having their affections bought and paid for.  In keeping with my careful cultivation of the title, “Cool Uncle Angry” I stopped off at Tesco to buy them some sweets.

I settled on some Smarties chocolate cakes, as they mixed two of my favourite things from my own youth, Smarties and cakes (it is amazing no-one has done this earlier, it is obvious when you think about it)

Upon arrival at my sisters, I was in danger of being ignored in favour of a DVD about cartoon racing cars, so I subtely let them know what I had for them.

“I HAVE BROUGHT SWEETIES!”

As we opened the packet I noticed that the described six-pack, was in fact, a five-pack.  Leaving us one cake short.  I have been warned about my language around the boys, so I was careful to swear very very quietly.

Luckily there was a freephone helpline on the back (I assume for people unable to open the packet).  I called them to explain, in detail, my dilemma.

“…so you see, I bought the packet in good faith, but there are exactly 20% fewer cakes than there should be.”

“I’m very sorry about that Sir.  I can send you some vouchers?”

“That’s all very well and good, but right now you have put me in a position where I am going to have to choose which nephew I prefer.”

“Oh.  Couldn’t you have one, and let them have two each?”

“No, you don’t understand.  There were meant to be six, and I took my two first of all, because as lovely as they are, I am my favourite person out of the three of us.”

“Right.”

“So now I have two nephews and only three cakes.”

“Maybe you could have another and give them one each?”

“I am not greedy!  Plus, that is avoiding the situation you have put me in.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Sorry doesn’t solve my dilemma. It’s a difficult but not impossible decision, actually.  The four year old is probably my favourite, as I have known him longer.”

At this point she seemed to think I was having a laugh at her expense, but I could not see the funny side.  We ended the conversation with me giving her my address so she could send me suitable compensation.  I decided to settle the immediate problem by eating a third cake, as I have been told it does not do well in the long run to show favourites.

Five days later I recieve a cheque for three English pounds from Nestle.

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