I recently visited my friend Brillo in Leeds.

He is not from Leeds, but he is a born and bred Yorkshireman, so when he says he is taking us on a bit of a pub crawl, it does make you wonder about the type of establishment we will be gracing with our presence.

After a few of the nice pubs in the Chapel Allerton area, we passed a pub even Brillo had not been in before.

“Why haven’t you been in there before?” I asked, perfectly legitimately.

“No idea, but we might as well pop in for a swift one though?”

As we entered, at approximately three in the afternoon, it became apparent that everyone present had been in there since it opened, and had been drinking studiously in all that time.  They did manage to stare at us for a bit though, which was nice of them.  I do like a good acknowledgement.  Too often you enter a pub and are completely ignored, but there is something about the burning gaze of forty or so drunken locals in the early afternoon that makes you feel wanted.  In the “Reward: dead or alive” sense of the word.

As Brillo made his way to the bar we surveyed our surroundings, which appeared not to have been altered since the smoking ban came in, judging by the holes burnt into the carpets and the nicotine stained ceiling.

I went off to make us of the facilities, in order to avoid further accusatory glances from the locals.

That’s when I saw the sign.  It was placed high on the wall to the right of the urinal.  It was a hand-written sheet of A4 and was enclosed in a cheap plastic wallet and fixed to the wall with masking tape.

“If you are reading this, you are probably pissing on the floor.  Don’t.  Please be respectful to other toilet users.”

I have never been asked not to piss on a floor before.  This was truly a first.  I would imagine that post potty-training it is not something that most people need reminding of.  This sign was proof however, that without the sign, the floor was in danger of being flooded with piss.  In fact, the smell suggested it was a fairly common occurrence.

I went back to my other friends, and whilst waiting for Brillo to return with our drinks we discussed what a complete shit hole it was.  Very Quietly.

Eventually Brillo returned.  “£6.36 for four pints!  This place is fucking brilliant!”