No-one likes a show off.
Unless of course, that particular show off happens to have a moderately popular blog.
It is much better to keep any particular ’skills’ to yourself, and not go around subjecting the world to your dubious talents. Which is why I hate birds. Why are they such noisy fuckers? Particularly if it is nice sunny day.
If the weather is nice, I am going to find out. When my alarm goes off. I do not need to be made aware of this fact at 5:30am each and every morning.
Yes, I can hear the nature-lovers amongst you thinking, “Oh but Angry, birdsong is such beautiful music.” Well, that is all well and good, but some (utterly deranged) people say Celine Dion makes beautiful music, and I would be just as pissed off if she was singing in a tree outside my window at the crack of dawn. Probably more so. Especially if she did that Titanic number.
So why do they do it? No one feels horny at that time of the morning, so it can’t be a mating call. There must be a reason. Unless they are actively trying to piss us off? In fact, I like to think that we are not the only animals that get thoroughly pissed off at them. What about the predominantly nocturnal animals? I can’t for one minute imagine a fox or a badger would be happy after a hard night of killing and pillaging to be woken up shortly after hitting the pillow.
You think the foxes are rummaging through the bins in the dead of night looking for food? Hell no. They’re just making as much racket as possible in a revenge attack on the sleeping birds. And we (those of us who sleep with the window open) are all casualties of war.
Maybe that’s why noisy birds evolved wings in the first place. All the ground based noisy fuckers were killed off by sleep deprived carnivores?
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Keef · July 16, 2008 at 9:05 am
We have a large ash tree in our front lawn so in summer we’re quite often woken by the sound of birdsong outside, it doesn’t bother me as much as it obviously bothers you but then I enjoyed Titanic. Our neighbours provide a home for (own is not really a suitable word) a large black and white and totally psychotic tom cat who leaves a trail of death wherever he goes. Our dog has at least thirty lbs on him but has learned the hard way not to pick any fights with next doors cat.
Every one in a while the sound of birds singing is interrupted by the rustling of leaves and a strangled squawk as Mother Nature shows her less sentimental side.
Lin · July 16, 2008 at 9:30 am
You obviously sleep like the dead. I get squawked from my bliss-like sleep at 3.30am. Drives the dog insane too, he can’t wait to get out there and have a very verbal word or two.
Misty · July 16, 2008 at 10:04 am
My least favourite thing to hear at 5.30am is ‘gis a blow job darling’. I’ll take bird song anyday!
Admin comment by Mr Angry · July 16, 2008 at 10:21 am
Keef – I hate cats, but for that little moggy I will make an exception. Fantastic work.
Lin – 3:30? That’s just vindictive.
Misty – And I always thought most home invasions took place between 1 and 3am.
grumpyoldwoman · July 16, 2008 at 10:45 am
Those same birds not only wake me up but also crap all over my car. Then the cats get pissed off because they cant reach the birds – so they spray my bumper. And, if I am really unlucky, the very young teenage mummy at the end of my close gives a random squaddie a blow-job (unfortunately she also ’sleeps’ with the window open).
Oli · July 16, 2008 at 11:56 am
I thought this was about an entirely differnt type of bird when I first started reading this.
Never mind ey.
Liked yesterdays post by the way!
Sewmouse · July 16, 2008 at 1:06 pm
If only one could shoot BB pellets at Celine Dion in the same way one can shoot them at winged warblers…
Jo · July 16, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Owls are the worst for this. They’re all “Ooh ooh, twit twoo, ooh” up in their trees, like “I’m going to stay up all night and sleep all day, not like you-twit twoo”
Like blooody hell, no need to brag.
Gnarlyswine · July 16, 2008 at 9:26 pm
I would be happy to put up with the little f***ers twittering outside the window if they would stop shitting on my car every morning – and again at work after eating too many blueberrys apparently.
I got me a psychotic Viszla in the hopes I can winnow there numbers a bit as its an excellent bird dog – at the mo though it seems to have fixated on flys and Mosquitos, and headbutting me in the face. Think I could set it on Celine -Im in the right country afterall.
Sam · July 17, 2008 at 6:12 pm
I think you would be interested in the digital radio station that plays nothing but birdsong, Mr Angry – I quite regularly listen for a few minutes before I go to bed when there’s shit all else on Radio 4. It’s perfectly soothing.
Z · July 17, 2008 at 7:01 pm
No one feels horny at that time of the morning.
It’s rare that I say this, but you’re wrong, Angry. You’ve slept alone for too long, it seems.