Tue 15 Jul 2008
There is trouble in the Court.
I am not really up to date with the politics of the flats where I live, mainly because I couldn’t give a monkeys fart about the intricacies of managing the communal aspects of forty plus homes. Despite this, I am approached by an eager looking pensioner on my way home one evening.
“The has been coup!” whispers my elderly neighbour.
I will admit to knowing very little about military history, but I am sure that a coup is generally a violent affair with blood-letting on both sides. I am intrigued, as this is by far the most interesting thing she has ever said to me, including the time she gave me a blow by blow account of the extraordinary general meeting which was held to decide what colour to paint the garage doors (it was ‘royal’ blue in the end).
“Really? What happened?” I asked, excitedly.
“I have been removed from the gardening committee!”
Now, technically speaking, this is not a coup. It is a sacking. Her knowledge of military terms is clearly worse than my own. All was not lost however, as the details could yet save the tale.
“Forcibly?” I enquired, with visions of a screaming and spitting pensioner being strong-armed out of Mr. Aldridge’s front room.
“Well no. They sent me a letter saying my services were no longer required.”
This is clearly the worst coup in the world. This is how a coup would take place if a country was not taken over by it’s military, but by it’s accountants.
Or maybe it is the way that all coups should be undertaken from now on? How would Morgan Tsvangirai have got on if he had just sent a letter to Robert Mugabe saying that his services were no longer required? He can’t have done any worse, after all.
We briefly discuss using weed-killer to write anti-authority slogans in the lawn, but she soon corrects me and points out that weed killer will not leave a mark on grass. It will in fact help the lawn thrive, which is a pretty rubbish protest when you are hoping to illustrate the incompetence of the new gardening committee. She goes up massively in my estimation by conspiratorially informing me that old car oil is the best thing you can use to kill grass.
I go inside and Google for popular anti-establishment slogans.
8 Responses to “Coochy Coup”
July 15th, 2008 at 9:40 am
She was a pretty useless member of the gardening committee if she thought that weedkiller doesn’t work on grass. You just don’t use a weedkiller formulated for lawns.
A bloodless coup is a sub-category of the coup d’état, but quite a dull one.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Was nearly ill at the that but was partly my own fault
Had in my head that you were talking about lady in the flat below you with the bad teeth and then you write ‘including the time she gave me a blow..’
Admittedly re-reading there was more but this didn’t stop me having dry wretched into my accountants cup of tea.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:18 am
What does a gardening committee do? Does it actually physically do the gardening or does it just sit around and discuss the gardening?
If it’s just talk about it then what actually is the point? I’m all in favour of community involvement but having a gardening committee that doesn’t actually roll its sleeves up and get stuck in is a bit pointless.
Perhaps I should try this one on my wife, I know the grass needs mowing Dear, but I’m still waiting on a committee decision you know how long these things take.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Personally I do everything by committee. It lends weight to almost everything, “ooooh, would like to take on that job but the committee has voted against it,” “Sorry, the committee passed a resolution and it’s now required uniform…” Granted, it’s a committee of one but it makes the meetings go faster and there’s almost always consensus which lets us adjourn and celebrate the day’s hard work with the beverage of choice.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
The pigeons around here are very warlike. I can here em saying ‘coo-coo’ all the time.
No I don’t know what I’m on either. I opened the wrong pill bottle this morning
July 15th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Sound to me like you opened a Bill Hicks CD.
July 15th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
“anti-establishment slogans”
Attica! Attica!
Dog Day Afternoon
July 16th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Nah, nah, nah. You buy cress seed, and spell out your chosen obscenities in the lawn using that. Wait until it’s mown and hey presto, invisible at ground level, but from any vantage point it’s brilliant white. Almost impossible to get rid of, I heartily recommend it, although the Principal of my old sixth form probably felt otherwise…