“So you see, I’m basically like Jesus.”

This is a pretty bold statement.  Fortunately for us punters, he did not stop there.

“In fact I’d go so far as to say I’m quite a bit better than Jesus, because I’m essentially an electrician as well.”

This is the culmination of a pub conversation with a twenty-something local carpenter.   He had been told that since Jesus didn’t do any Bible stuff until he was thirty, he was basically just your average ‘chippy’ during his twenties.  Just like him. But Jesus couldn’t rewire a kitchen, so therefore he was rubbish.

“We don’t even know if he was a good carpenter or not.  I know loads of rubbish apprentices.  He might have had to go down the religious route because his workmanship was so bad.”

This is true.  I would imagine there are few better ways at avoiding your warranty obligations than being the son of God.

It is all well and good giving praise for his healing of the lepers and feeding of the thousands, but you never hear about poor old Mrs Jones who had to get someone else in to redo her shelving because of Jesus’ shoddy workmanship.

I imagine his early gatherings, where he began to preach, were full of people wanting DIY advice.

EXT. DAY - A MOUND SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE JERUSALEM.

JESUS is preaching to a crowd, they are enthralled as he comes to the end of his sermon.

JESUS
…and so let those of you who are without
sin, cast the first stone.

There are sounds of awe amongst the crowd as they take in Jesus’ wisdom. One man at the back, DAVE, is frantically waving his hand.

JESUS (CONT’D)
Yes my son, what is it.

DAVE
Oh, hi Jesus, that was really interesting, what
you just said there, about the stone throwing and
that, but I have a question.

JESUS
Certainly my child. What is it?

DAVE
Well, what I really want to know is, in order
to stay within acceptable standards, is how far
above the counter top should I hang my kitchen cabinets?

JESUS
What?

DAVE
Kitchen Cabinets? My mate Bob tells me you’re a carpenter.

JESUS
Well yes, I was, but now I’m following my calling
as the son of God.

DAVE
So the carpentry thing has fallen by the wayside?

JESUS
Yes, I am no longer a carpenter.

VOICE IN THE CROWD
(shouting) He fitted my kitchen last year!

JESUS
(to the crowd) Look, that’s not what I do now, OK?

DAVE
If you could just give me a ball park distance
for the cabinets?

JESUS
About 16″ is standard, but you’ll need 30″ if
it’s above your oven. Right, any more questions for me?

CHRISTINE
I was wondering if I could get a quote for a
new set of upstairs window frames?

JESUS
(ignoring her) Are there any more questions about God?

There is some murmuring in the crowd. At the front BOB raises his hand.

BOB
Hi Jesus. I have a question.

JESUS
Hello my child, continue.

BOB
God is all seeing and knowing, and he
loves us all, right?

JESUS
That’s right.

BOB
Well, what I want to know is, if God were
to build a stairway, all the way up to
Heaven, for us his children…

JESUS
Yes?

BOB
..then between the ground and first floor, what
type of wood should he use?

JESUS
Oh for God’s sake (looking up) sorry Dad.
Look, you lot don’t deserve me. I’m off to
somewhere I’m more appreciated.

Jesus notices PETER is still next to him, scribbling away furiously.

JESUS (CONT’D)
Peter, what are you doing?

PETER
Taking notes, just like you said.

JESUS
Well scrap that last bit, no-one is going
to want to read that.

PETER
And the bit about the kitchen cabinets?

JESUS
Scrap that too. In fact, stop at the bit about
the stone, that had a certain ring to it.