Fri 4 Jul 2008
Most of the time I quite like being a smart arse. I am also quite sure the people with me enjoy it when I am a smart arse, if their polite laughter is anything to go by.
Other times a smart mouth can get you into trouble.
Last Saturday I met some friends in Covent Garden for a few drinks, mainly because it was sunny. And I like beer with my sunshine.
We found ourselves in a small-ish bar above a Cornish Pasty shop, like you do. From our balcony vantage point we could watch the various street performers entertaining the visiting children. They were shit. No, really, they were. Maybe I am not their target audience, what with me having the mental capacity of an adult human.
As we sat enduring the entertainment, a rather large chap in a suit with possibly the most impressive afro I have ever seen came over to us.
“Hey guys, any of you got a cigarette you could spare,” he began, before miming the smoking of a cigarette just in case we had not understood the words that came out of his mouth. To be fair we had been watching the entertainment below, so it was a fair assumption that we were a bit stupid.
“No, I’m afraid none of us smoke, sorry. Perhaps you’d have better luck if you tried being a pikey over there?” I helpfully suggested.
“What did you say?” he asked straight faced, whilst my other friends began looking around at the incredibly interesting architecture that surrounded them.
A natural tendency to make smart arse remarks, plus several pints, does not a happy marriage make. The distinct lack of laughter, and the stern looking afro-bedecked giant in front of me made me realise I had perhaps misjudged the situation. Badly.
“I was only joking, you know, what with you asking for a fag. A bit like a pikey would. Not that you’re necessarily a pikey. I barely know you. I’ve never met a pikey with such an impressive afro so the chances are you’re not one anyway.”
“Right.”
He looked at me momentarily, as if trying to decide if it was worth throwing me off the balcony. Thankfully he decided against it and I was not forced into gatecrashing the entertainment one storey below.
10 Responses to “Being a smart arse”
July 4th, 2008 at 8:47 am
Small children can be(and usually are) a far more discerning audience than adults Angry. Street performers aren’t shit because they’re aiming at kids they’re shit because they’re shit. I blame TV reality shows for recent massive surges in the quantity and equally massive drops in the quality of street entertainment. Most of these no-hopers
are practising for the next Britain’s Got No Talent whilst hoping to be discovered by a passing talent scout.
In the meantime they continue to scare toddlers who sit there in their pushchairs thinking “Jesus Mum, why are you making me watch this crap? What have I done wrong? I’ll be good from now on I promise”
July 4th, 2008 at 10:40 am
The most impressive afro I have ever seen…
It wasn’t this guy, was it?
http://www.funnyphotos.net.au/userimages/haricut1.JPG
Definitely looks like a pikey.
July 4th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
LMFAO! I have a bad habit of making smart arsed comments at bad times. I always have to back peddle rapidly to save my sorry ass!
July 4th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I’m dumb enough not to know what a “pikey” is, so I checked it out on Urban Dictionary.
I enjoyed the answer almost as much as your blog ….
QUOTE
From the English “turnpike”, the place where itinerent travellers and thieves would camp near a settlement.
… term used to describe anyone who lives in a caravan or shares the same values and “culture” of “the travelling community”, and whose main sources of income are as follows:
Stealing cars, flogging roses in pubs for “childrens’ charities”, nicking lead off roofs, burgling garden sheds, blagging entry to old peoples house to rob them, doing dodgy tarmac jobs (”we’ve got some black stuff left over from a job up the road”), sometimes with mint imperials used as a substitute for white chippings, or, reportedly, using snow to lay slabs on when the sand ran out, stealing your bollocks if they weren’t in a bag and anything else that’s not nailed down and anything that is nailed down but will fit in the back of an untaxed Transit when nobody’s looking.
UNQUOTE
July 4th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
I just say teh wrong thing at the wrong time, it’s similar but rarely funny.
July 7th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
From our balcony vantage point we could watch the various street performers entertaining the visiting children. They were shit.
I agree. Most children are shit these days. Apart from the ones who are stabbing themselves to death. They’re quite cool. Or perhaps I’m just becoming a miserable grump the closer I get to middle age (whatever that is). Anyway, why didn’t you chuck the ‘Fro-wearing pikey off the balcony? You know. Best form of defence is attack and all that.
July 7th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
This is why they do not allow donkeys to go to school.
NOBODY likes a smartass.
July 8th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
I’ll forgive the douchebagy attitude only because it came up with the following line:
“I barely know you. I’ve never met a pikey with such an impressive afro so the chances are you’re not one anyway.”
July 10th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Mr Farty - though that afro is obviously excellent, it does not have the enormous presence of the ‘pikeys’
July 10th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
I also put it down to Covent Garden being a festering fuckstain of ville. I’ve either got in, or nearly got in, fights the last three times I’ve gone.