Kissing dogs is so very, very wrong. I know some of you are starved of affection, but putting your lips on the face of a canine? That is just sick.

If any of you reading this happen to be dog owners and have kissed your animals, then I have a follow-up question. Did you wank it off afterwards? No? Then you are nothing but a prick tease. We all knew one at school, more than happy to slobber all over you behind the bike sheds but ran a mile when confronted with the ‘Little Angry’. Essentially this is what you are doing to your dogs.

Why lead them on?

“Oh fuck, it’s that two-legged bald pink wrinkly thing. I bet he’s been eating garlic again. For once I just wish he’d lick an arse before kissing me. Paws crossed for a happy ending this time though!”

But no, he will be lucky to get a biscuit. Which actually sounds quite good when it is written down like that, I suppose. A quick grope and a biscuit? Where do I sign up!

I also think it is a bit pretentious to think that your fancies you in the first place. I can imagine the animals at Battersea Dogs Home watching potential owners come past the cages and windows, thinking “I’m not fucking kissing that! I’d rather stay here thank you very much.”

Next time a dog pretends to ignore you, or behaves aggressively, do not take it personally, he just doesn’t fancy you.