I am back, safe and sound. I am sure you were all concerned at my sudden and unplanned disappearance, but I am glad we have reached that point in our relationship where not one of you needed to email to check I was OK.

Which I was, you know, if you were wondering and not wanting to seem needy by sending an email to check that fact.

Barbados is nice, but I am pretty sure that this fact is not news to you, and I am certain none of you want to hear about what a brilliant time I had whilst I was there. Or do you?

You would probably like me to focus on things like how I selflessly helped out my mate G after his girlfriend couldn’t make it at the last minute, only for us to suffer gay jibes at the hands of his colleagues and their partners also on this work-related ‘reward’ holiday. And how this forced us into downtown Barbados on our second night in the hope of meeting “some girls”.

As with every other holiday destination around the world that I have visited, it did not take long before I made my way to the nearest Irish Bar, in this case a place called McBrides.

There, stood dancing gently to the band were two very attractive young girls. G and I put our plans in place and bought some drinks to take over and say Hi with (it was happy hour, we are not made of money). Then, we noticed two young men return from the bar with drinks for them.

Booo! They had selfishly taken their boyfriends on holiday with them!

“He looks very familiar.” I commented to G of the taller blond one.

“Really?”

“Yes, I definitely know him from somewhere. The TV or something?”

Then his friend turned around and I realised where I knew them from.

Now, there are very few times where I will admit defeat in pursuit of a woman without even talking to her. I generally like to be told to piss off first, as ‘you never know’. But when you are faced with the challenge of taking them away from two twenty-something Premiership and International footballers, even I realise my limitations. Plus I did not have the hour or so to spend wooing them with my sparkling personality.

We decided to leave Joe Cole and Nicklas Bendtner to it, though they were pestered by quite a few holiday makers. It made me realise that my decision to write this blog anonymously was the right one. I would not like to be hounded everywhere I go. It looks like hell.

We moved on safe in the knowledge that this was a once in a holiday experience and we could surely not get gazumped by professional sportsmen again.