Cooking dead things on an open fire is one of lifes great pleasures. It is a bit like extreme toasting and gives further justification for the lifestyle of meat eaters, and also God’s decision to make animals out of delicious meat products.
Alas, with me not having a barbecue (due to not having a garden in which to put it) it is something I do not get to do very often.
So, when I received a text message from Fat Jim inviting me to a barbecue at his new-ish house I was obviously going to accept.
I sent him a text asking if I was required to bring anything, and was told no, they had everything in hand. This was good news, as my text was merely me trying to be polite. I did not want to actually take anything round, as that sort of defeats the object of eating at someone else’s house. If I wanted to buy the food I was going to eat I might as well just cook it at home.
Anyway, I arrived at chez Fat Jim to see the food was about to be put on the barbecue. Unfortunately, it was not the sort of food I recognised as being traditional barbecue fare. None of it looked even remotely like a delicious dead animal.
“What are they?” I asked, pointing at dangly things on a skewer.
“They’re bell peppers filled with Emmentel cheese.” replied Fat Jim like a grinning simpleton.
“Right. In that case I’m sort of afraid to ask this, but what are those?”
“They’re a bit of an experiment. They’re pear slices marinated in coconut milk and wrapped in parma Ham.”
And they wonder why I got a kebab on the way home.
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Jaggy · May 28, 2008 at 9:19 am
At least it wasn’t a vegetarian bbq, that really would be pointless. I take it Fat Jim is currently taking direction from fiance? Otherwise I’m not sure how someone could get fat eating food like that.
BBQ’s are for burgers, kebabs and steaks. No vegetables or fruit are ever to be put on it. That’s the rules.
Keef · May 28, 2008 at 10:00 am
I’m with Jaggy 100% on this there’s probably a law against cooking veggies at a barbecue and if not there damn well ought to be. A bit of salad in a bowl to put on the side of your plate is one thing but cooking pear slices marinated in coconut milk ?? I fear for Fat Jim’s future.
Baked potatoes are acceptable so long as they’re cooked enough to be barely edible but other than that it’s burgers, sausages, steaks and other forms of dead animal.
Kudos on taking a stand Angry
Lin · May 28, 2008 at 10:32 am
What about fresh tuna steaks? Or delicious sardines trapped in one of those metal net thingys? Or huge mushrooms filled with tomato salsa and topped with parmesan then wrapped up in foil? Delicious mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Can’t call yourself a BBQ man unless you experiment a bit!
Oli · May 28, 2008 at 11:05 am
Vegitables should not be included in a BBQ, fruit wise however bananas are nice.
Whenever you see a vegitarian at a BBQ slyly skewering some vegitables reming his poncy ass that he is taking up valuable meat cooking space and should eat his fare raw like the animal loving god intended.
Amy · May 28, 2008 at 12:36 pm
That’s my crush on Fat Jim well and truly finished…
gnarlyswine · May 28, 2008 at 1:14 pm
“Alas, with me not having a barbecue (due to not having a garden in which to put it) it is something I do not get to do very often.”
That is a hopeless excuse for lack of mansculine food incineration – surely there a re local trees, or neighboors door / floorbords that could easily be ignited (not in situ obviously – too hard to keep the meat in place. Always thought these tame Gas BBQ type things were too wussy, for some reason our house even has a hook up to plump one to the mains – real hunter gatherer experience, I dont think.
Sewmouse · May 28, 2008 at 2:39 pm
You could always get a George Forman Grill.
I hear lots of cooking-skills-challenged folks who swear by them.
Melissaria · May 28, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I was confused and bemused at the idea of someone called Fat Jim having such a poncy bbq menu. Then I read the first sentence of your previous post and it all became clear…
I’m with you on this one. Barbecues are for men to burn meat on. We have proper ovens for all the rest of it.
BoyOnTop · May 29, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I am very disappointed that you use the excuse of not having a garden for not BBQing. Do you think cave men had gardens when they roasted elephant legs over the fire in the cave?
Antipholus Papps · May 30, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Fuck the George Foreman grill! I’ve just bought a Barry McGuigan whisk! It’s skill for making Angel Delight. Dinner? Sorted.
mrs pouncer · June 1, 2008 at 9:50 pm
What sort of bunting did he have in the barbecue area, if any? Garden adornment can make or break any sort of al fresco gathering. An arrangement of willow, hung at a safe distance is actually my recommendation. Best wishes.
ubermouth · June 3, 2008 at 4:03 am
Fat Jim is gonna be Slim Jim soon, but have no dinner companions.