Cooking dead things on an open fire is one of lifes great pleasures. It is a bit like extreme toasting and gives further justification for the lifestyle of meat eaters, and also God’s decision to make animals out of delicious meat products.

Alas, with me not having a barbecue (due to not having a garden in which to put it) it is something I do not get to do very often.

So, when I received a text message from Fat Jim inviting me to a barbecue at his new-ish house I was obviously going to accept.

I sent him a text asking if I was required to bring anything, and was told no, they had everything in hand. This was good news, as my text was merely me trying to be polite. I did not want to actually take anything round, as that sort of defeats the object of eating at someone else’s house. If I wanted to buy the food I was going to eat I might as well just cook it at home.

Anyway, I arrived at chez Fat Jim to see the food was about to be put on the barbecue. Unfortunately, it was not the sort of food I recognised as being traditional barbecue fare. None of it looked even remotely like a delicious dead animal.

“What are they?” I asked, pointing at dangly things on a skewer.

“They’re bell peppers filled with Emmentel cheese.” replied Fat Jim like a grinning simpleton.

“Right. In that case I’m sort of afraid to ask this, but what are those?”

“They’re a bit of an experiment. They’re pear slices marinated in coconut milk and wrapped in parma Ham.”

And they wonder why I got a kebab on the way home.

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