Quite a few of my friends are getting married this year, including, somewhat bizarrely, Fat Jim.
I have no idea how he managed to convince his girlfriend to marry him, but she does not appear to be under the influence of any long-term drug regime, I have checked.
They are getting married despite me making them aware of the damning marriage statistics in the UK. In this country 40% of marriages end in divorce. What is more worrying however, is that 60% of marriages end in DEATH. My friends do not seem bothered by this, but if I asked them to take part in an activity that killed over half its participants I am sure they would react differently.
Anyway, Fat Jim and his surprisingly normal girlfriend were in the pub on Friday and we were discussing their impending nuptials. Although it is still a few months away, their wedding day numbers are now fixed, and I have been told I will not be getting an Angry+1 invitation, as I am currently single (but accepting applications). So, if I happen to meet the girl of my dreams in the next few weeks, I will not be able to invite her to the wedding.
Which is disappointing.
My compromise solution was not well received.
“OK,” I began, “I understand the numbers are fixed, but I definitely think you should have a reserve list for the big day.”
“We do.” replied the soon-to-be Fat Jim.
“That’s great, well I suggest that we put “Angry’s +1″ on the waiting list, and should one of your guests happen to have an unfortunate accident, you know, just before the big day, then she can jump in and save the day. You know when – I mean if – someone can’t make it.”
At this point Fat Jim signalled to me to stop talking as there have already been some drop-outs on his girlfriend’s side due to death (I bet they were married). This is obviously unfortunate, for her, but it does mean that I have a better chance of taking someone on the day. Which is nice.
Applications from fit women accepted via email by the way.
No tags
Oli · May 27, 2008 at 9:00 am
Be careful how you ask for applicants, next thing you know a barrage of e-mails from female bodybuilders will be landing in your inbox. More muscle than a bull and about as much breast as a newborn
Anna · May 27, 2008 at 9:17 am
…or you may have emails from slinky Russian babes who claim they are responding to your lonely singles ad….ah…except his time they actually are….
Jaggy · May 27, 2008 at 9:30 am
Seems like hot you’ve hit the winning formula for attracting women Angry, make out your desperately trying not to appear sad, lonely and homosexual when a guest at someone’s wedding. Bingo, watch the offers flood in!
blauerdrache · May 27, 2008 at 9:35 am
Will you supply suitable head gear…no I don’t mean a paper bag either…? And do you have a slush fund available so that said attendee can attire herself in required wedding attendance garments? If so, add me to the list, always up for a freebee
Keef · May 27, 2008 at 10:45 am
Yes but what happens if you manage to find a date in the next few weeks, persuade Fat Jim (or his wife to be rather) to let you take her and then meet the Girl of Your Dreams at the wedding eh?
Does the future Mrs Fat Jim have any fit sisters you could end up related to him.
Amy · May 27, 2008 at 11:10 am
Just find a ladyfriend at the wedding, Angry. You’ve probably got more of a chance there than anywhere else.
Or a manfriend. Either way. Weddings are good places to get coupled up.
Megan · May 27, 2008 at 2:34 pm
You’ll need to provide more information:
1. Where do these nuptials take place? Somewhere with good beaches, museums etc (based on fit woman’s personal preference of course) adds points, a “where-we-met” do at the dodge ‘ems knocks points off
2. Catered? Food provided by reasonable outfit, fine; food provided by cousin Mavis who knows her way around squeezy-cheeze is less so
3. Liquor – quantity and quality should be addressed
4. Dress – will Fat Jim be donning a kilt? When one considers the answer to that and the information from point 3 it is necessary to ask a) are there significant blackmail possibilities with Fat Jim and b) if not is there a danger of visuals that could produce mental scarring?
Léonie · May 27, 2008 at 2:51 pm
That is discrimination! You are now a famous blogger and should therefore be allowed, if not encouraged, to bring with you a harem of nubile young lovelies to every social engagement you attend.
peach · May 27, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I would offer to accompany you, but I fear a 3-4 month pregnant lady might not cause the same sort of surprise at you actually having a date that you might have anticipated…
X
Sewmouse · May 27, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Fat Jim is getting married????!!!???
I am distraught.
*sobs*
Equine Pimp · May 27, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I need to pick up on the point made by Léonie.
Angry – you know a harem of nubile young lovelies? Her response suggests you do. How many of them would think of you as a potential if they didn’t think you were gay?
Léonie – and you missed out star of screen and soon to be world famous comedy writer
xl · May 27, 2008 at 3:52 pm
1. Fat Jim’s impending nuptials begs for a Podcast so that Angry can torture him properly.
2. Have they thrown down the challenge that Angry cannot find a “+1″ by the wedding date?
Ron,Apparently · May 27, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Your stats are, as usual, wrong. 100% of marriages end in death for both protagonists at some point, surely? Pedantic cunt, I am.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · May 27, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Please be aware that the very first question I asked upon receiving my invitation was, “Will there be any fit single women there?”
The answer was not promising.
Manic · May 27, 2008 at 8:05 pm
I love a good wedding reception as getting drunk is my forte.
Sadly I am not a fit woman.
I’m not a fit man either as it happens but that’s besides the point….
Amy · May 27, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Hmmm.
Why not be really impressive, and invite every single female who reads this Blog to come?
Then turn up with loads of women hanging over you.
It’d make for some interesting wedding photos if nothing else.
ninja chinchilla · May 27, 2008 at 11:03 pm
I was going to say I’m not roadkill but thanks to half a bottle of whiskey on Saturday night, which caused me to come second in a fight with a pavement, my face suggests otherwise.
llcoolkate · May 30, 2008 at 3:11 pm
We’re all dying, slowly. Heck, I’m dying right now…
Let us gate crash the wedding. Naked. Yeah!
llcoolkate · May 30, 2008 at 3:13 pm
p.s. it’s easier to obtain forgiveness than it is to obtain permission… fuck the rules maaaan!