Quite a few of my friends are getting married this year, including, somewhat bizarrely, Fat Jim.

I have no idea how he managed to convince his girlfriend to marry him, but she does not appear to be under the influence of any long-term drug regime, I have checked.

They are getting married despite me making them aware of the damning marriage statistics in the UK. In this country 40% of marriages end in divorce. What is more worrying however, is that 60% of marriages end in DEATH. My friends do not seem bothered by this, but if I asked them to take part in an activity that killed over half its participants I am sure they would react differently.

Anyway, Fat Jim and his surprisingly normal girlfriend were in the pub on Friday and we were discussing their impending nuptials. Although it is still a few months away, their wedding day numbers are now fixed, and I have been told I will not be getting an Angry+1 invitation, as I am currently single (but accepting applications). So, if I happen to meet the girl of my dreams in the next few weeks, I will not be able to invite her to the wedding.

Which is disappointing.

My compromise solution was not well received.

“OK,” I began, “I understand the numbers are fixed, but I definitely think you should have a reserve list for the big day.”

“We do.” replied the soon-to-be Fat Jim.

“That’s great, well I suggest that we put “Angry’s +1″ on the waiting list, and should one of your guests happen to have an unfortunate accident, you know, just before the big day, then she can jump in and save the day. You know when – I mean if – someone can’t make it.”

At this point Fat Jim signalled to me to stop talking as there have already been some drop-outs on his girlfriend’s side due to death (I bet they were married). This is obviously unfortunate, for her, but it does mean that I have a better chance of taking someone on the day. Which is nice.

Applications from fit women accepted via email by the way.

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