I have been at home for a couple of days visiting my folks, which always seems to offer me plenty of things to write about on here.
Last night they insisted on watching a programme called ‘TV’s Funniest Music Moments’ on ITV2 which showed clips of various celebrities making utter arses of themselves to music at various points in the last thirty years.
One of the acts the featured was The Krankies, which reminded me of one of the most disturbing days of my childhood. The day I found out Jimmy Krankie was actually ‘Jeanette’, the midget wife of Ian Krankie.
That was one fucked up relationship. It completely ruined Crackerjack for me. I am sorry, but no-one is going to tell me they planned to become a comedy double-act based on his midget wife dressing up as a pre-pubescent school boy. No. Fucking. Way.
I can imagine this ‘plan’ came about after a surprise visit from the inlaws.
If you can keep the vomit down for a moment, please imagine Ian Krankie at home, getting all ‘worked up’, “Oh Yeah, that’s right. Now tell me you’ve got to do your homework before cubs…”
Ding dong!
“Who the fuck is that? You lace up some more conkers Jimmy and I’ll get the door.”
“Surprise!”
“MOM! DAD?!”
“We just thought we’d pop in to say hello. Is Jeanette in?”
“erm, yes. Say Hello to Mom and Dad Jeanette. Och, you’re probably wondering why Jeanette is dressed like a pre-pubescent school boy, eh? Yes, why is that Jeanette?”
“errrrmm…. for a joke?”
“Yes. YES! That’s it. Jokes. We were starting a new double-act. Good idea isn’t it?”
That incident would have been fucking embarrassing for the Krankies though, but I guess no more than most of their TV appearances. I’ll bet there were times where Ian probably felt like saying,
“Fuck it. I don’t care. This material is fucking shite. I like my wife to dress up as a small boy so I can be properly aroused during sex. Is that so wrong?”
But the censors were even more strict back then so an outburst like that on live television would probably have a got a record number of complaints to the BBC.
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Keef · May 16, 2008 at 9:00 am
Midget paedo fantasies masquerading as Children’s daytime television
Your suggestion is the only explanation that makes any sense after all the Krankies could
never be classed as funny by any stretch of the imagination.
The mental images brought up by this post are just so disturbing in so many ways that I may never recover from it ever.
James · May 16, 2008 at 9:59 am
I’ve got to say, the Krankies have bothered me for years, but it’s now the simple thought of there poor neighbours hearing the infamous ‘Fan-dabbi-dozi’ being squeeled out through the walls as they’re trying to get some kip. I have no idea if the two of them still perform as a duo, but God I hope not. One of the freakiest concepts I’ve ever heard of.
arch stanton · May 16, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I can’t actually remember what form their ‘entertainment’ took. Was it a sketch show, or stand up routine? Oh, she was standing up…
I think the Chuckle Brothers origins are probably along similar seedy lines.
todger · May 16, 2008 at 1:05 pm
I allways thought it would be quite convenient having a midget for a wife as you dont even have to tell her to get on her knees, she’s at the perfect height for a bit of . Fan-dabby-dosey oral satisfaction! Just plug and play, no setup involved.
Al · May 16, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Yeah, I,m with Keef! Very frightening. Was Jeanette Krankie the secret love child of Jimmy Clitheroe. Oooooh shudder!.Here is a thought…I,m a little boy, in the public eye. My Mum just died lets kill myself!On the day of her funeral!Sad or….not!
Sewmouse · May 16, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Ok.
Y’all are just WEIRD with your television programs over there on the other side of the pond.
Weird, I say.
Vikki · May 16, 2008 at 5:28 pm
I agree with arch stanton. The Chuckle Brothers freak me out.
ninja chinchilla · May 17, 2008 at 4:50 am
“To me, to you”
*shudders*
All of them evil, I tell you.
Mr H · May 17, 2008 at 9:27 am
You will no doubt be delighted to know that they have moved on with their preversions, and can now be seen on Scotchland TV, dressed up as Spacehoppers, ostensibly advertising some kind of bingo.
Under no circumstances go here;
http://www.stv.tv/content/bingo_and_games/Krankies
The dirty bastards.
Chalcedon · May 17, 2008 at 9:39 am
OMG!!!!!!!!!!! I think this was a ‘road to Damascus’ moment. The scales fell from my eyes. Now I understand why the Krankies came to be!! I expect poor Peter Glaze is spinning at 250K rpm at the moment.
Misty · May 17, 2008 at 9:54 am
Just had a few unexpected days at home and have been busy reading your archives.
I laughed out loud so many times the neighbours must think im crazy.
Keep up the good work, by the way – loved the naked blog photo!