Vending Machine
Vending machines have traditionally been pretty dull offerings. You could choose condoms, or, if you were lucky to be in an exotic upmarket bar, then you could also buy some form of breath mint.
But that was it. I understood the logistical difficulties in having these machines offer the wide variety of products expected by today’s inebriated man. It is difficult to carry magazines, car oil and cornish pasties on the wall of a toilet.
So I was pleasantly surprised to notice that one of my local pubs has a new machine on its wall.
The first option was for featherlite condoms. Now, I have never used a condom that I considered to be particularly heavy, but clearly this is a strong seller. There are men that need to use the gym more often, clearly.
Then there were a couple of flavoured options, which I have never seen the attraction of. It is very disconcerting to go for a wee in the morning and wonder where the smell of bananas is coming from. I do not think they even taste like proper bananas. If the retching is the be believed, anyway.
The final compartment contained something I have never seen in a vending machine before.
Nurofen (other pain medication is available).
At first I thought this was a cunning ploy to offer hangover relief in advance of the actual hangover, which in itself is quite a clever idea. Then I realised I was wrong. There is only one reason why Nurofen would be stocked alongside condoms. It can be explained if you can picture the following scene taking place in your home town tonight; there is a man is being rebuffed with the immortal line, “I have a headache…”, only to counter it with a box of Nurofen and an extremely loud, “Ta DA!”
Whoever came up with this vending machine idea deserves a medal. God bless you Sir.
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April 18th, 2008 at 7:48 am
Yay first! Ladies have had this type of thing for years, one loo had only painkillers and tights available, none of the usual condoms and tampax … clearly people at that pub had a different kind of night out.
April 18th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Worryingly we have tights in the gents at my local too!
April 18th, 2008 at 8:38 am
Firstly, you don’t need Nurofen cos sex is a headache reliever, and that’s official. The headache excuse is valid no more.
Secondly, men who go to the gym use extra-strong condoms cos they’re all gayers, and that’s official.
April 18th, 2008 at 9:13 am
No Angry the Nurofen is for you after she kicks you in the goolies for showing it to her and going TaDA !!
I’ve no use for condoms these days, having done my bit for the survival of the species I had the 2 housebricks experience a few years ago but I remember back in my bachelor days putting money into one of these blasted things in a pub and not getting any johnnies out of it.
Going to the bar to ask for my money back was a sobering experience as I stood there with 30 or 40 people watching me in fascination.
To make matters worse the young lady I was expecting to get lucky with went red with embarassment and stormed off so I didn’t get any poontang out of it either.
April 18th, 2008 at 10:21 am
I visited a friend who lives in Northants and in the pub loo they had a machine that sold ‘cock rings’ - lots of questions ran through my albeit alcohol infused brain - what? why? how? why in a ladies loo? why in the Midlands? etc etc I think they should have sold neurofren by the side for us traumatised sophisticated Londoners.
April 18th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Like Keef (4) I had the housebricks treatment at the beginning of last year. Fuck me, you should have seen the size of my knackers for the next two months; could hardly walk.
Have seen the Johnny/Nurofen dispensers and hadn’t given them a moment’s thought. Thanks for bringing clarity in to my life.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Al - And a rainbow flag outside…?
Glammer - Really? Someone should tell all of the women I seem to end up with.
Keef - Try whispering next time.
Stokeysiren - Ah, my home county. And they wonder why I left.
Brennig - Surely it’s much easier just to pull out and come on her tits?
April 18th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Well I didn’t exactly shout it out across the width of the bar you know Angry, I did try to be subtle about it.
I had imbibed a few drinks of course or I would have had the sense to forget my £1 and slink off to try my luck elsewhere.
The problem was that the barmaid started giggling when I asked her which brought her mate over to loudly demand to know what was going on which caused them to both dissolve into fits of laughter whilst openly staring at my intended paramour.
She realised that she was being talked about and could hear enough to know why. She gave me a luck that would slice steel before going bright red and storming out at which point pretty much everyone in the pub had sussed out what was going on and was sniggering away.
April 18th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
“I like vending machines ‘cuz snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves it’s maximum flavor potential. ” -Mitch Hedberg
April 18th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Keef, at least you had the good sense to argue about it at the bar rather than, as a mate of mine did, stick your hand up the machine and get it stuck there. The fire brigade claimed they couldn’t cut his hand out with the machine in situ, so they marched him along the platform and out of the station with a fireman on either side of him holding the machine up high. Bless ‘em.
April 18th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
A pub near where I work has mini vibrators in the vending machine, along with disposable toothbrushes. An odd combination.
April 19th, 2008 at 11:48 am
There’s a pub near my office where the flavoured condoms are champagne, tequila, vodka-and-coke, vintage merlot and so on.
They are not actually intended for missionary position in-out-and-roll-over sex, but for the delight of the Ladies who do the sucking, supposedly tasting better than Original latex.
April 20th, 2008 at 10:22 am
> Brennig - Surely it’s much easier just to pull out and come on her tits?
i would laugh, except it happens.
i saw cock rings, nurofen, condoms and wet wipes in the ladies vending machine in the services on the M4 yesterday.
April 20th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
April 21st, 2008 at 11:27 am
And of course there are the ones in Japan that dispense porn, alcohol, used ladies panties, fags, toys, t shirts etc etc.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Surely it’s much easier just to pull out and come on her tits?
Well, sometimes we’re less nimble than other times, I mean the burns that blue rope puts on yer ankles and wrists if you shift about too quickly can leave a nasty mark.
April 21st, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Our local has a vibrator machine with the immortal tag line: “Makes a great gift”! Mum wasn’t too happy with her birthday present this year.