Vending machines have traditionally been pretty dull offerings. You could choose condoms, or, if you were lucky to be in an exotic upmarket bar, then you could also buy some form of breath mint.

But that was it. I understood the logistical difficulties in having these machines offer the wide variety of products expected by today’s inebriated man. It is difficult to carry magazines, car oil and cornish pasties on the wall of a toilet.

So I was pleasantly surprised to notice that one of my local pubs has a new machine on its wall.

The first option was for featherlite condoms. Now, I have never used a condom that I considered to be particularly heavy, but clearly this is a strong seller. There are men that need to use the gym more often, clearly.

Then there were a couple of flavoured options, which I have never seen the attraction of. It is very disconcerting to go for a wee in the morning and wonder where the smell of bananas is coming from. I do not think they even taste like proper bananas. If the retching is the be believed, anyway.

The final compartment contained something I have never seen in a vending machine before.

Nurofen (other pain medication is available).

At first I thought this was a cunning ploy to offer hangover relief in advance of the actual hangover, which in itself is quite a clever idea. Then I realised I was wrong. There is only one reason why Nurofen would be stocked alongside condoms. It can be explained if you can picture the following scene taking place in your home town tonight; there is a man is being rebuffed with the immortal line, “I have a headache…”, only to counter it with a box of Nurofen and an extremely loud, “Ta DA!”

Whoever came up with this vending machine idea deserves a medal. God bless you Sir.

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