Drunk people are funny. There is no escaping this fact. I realise that much of the humour they bring to the world is unintentional, but that does not make it any less valuable.

As the weather has been improving a little bit of late, and with the lighter evenings, it seems that midweek drinking is again on the rise. And with it incidences of alcohol-induced hilarity.

Just last week I saw three ‘youths’ being ejected from a pub on the High Street in town. Nothing unusual in that you might think, except it was about 8:30pm and they were all utterly arseholed.

The really amusing part was when the ring leader then turned to face the quite-enormous-actually bouncer and took what could best be described as the Karate Kid stance.

“Come on then!” shouted inebriate number one.

I had to stop and watch. My friends could wait. The prospect of seeing a chav-on-the-town torn limb from limb was far too much to pass up.

“Go home, before someone gives you a beating.” replied the bouncer, perfectly calmly.

The lead chav then did what I suspect in his head resembled the finest moves of a particularly intimidating Fourth Dan Karate Black belt. In reality, to those of us fortunate enough to witness the act, it was more like watching a desperate man fighting with a wasp caught inside his jumper.

Now out of breath, and unbalanced, he finally relented, and with a parting shot of, “You’re lucky you’re a chicken mate!” at the bouncer, he was gone.

I live by the rule that if you are going to start a fight when you are drunk, you must ensure it is with someone at least as drunk, if not more so, than you. It is a very simple rule, and has prevented me from having my arse handed to me on a plate on several occasions.

I would love to know if a drunk ever won such a fight? One where he is both drunker, and weaker than his opponent? I picture a scene where he is all flailing arms and wild kicks as he luckily takes down the nineteen stone judo instructor. I can imagine his reaction, “I fucking KNEW it, I AM invincible!” shortly before being mown down by a passing bus.

Drunk people are hilarious.

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