“I am definitely the most heterosexual man in the room!” said The Canary.
The Canary is called The Canary because he tends to be a bit of a mental on the mountain, so when we are off-piste we generally send him over blind horizons and off cliffs to check it is safe for the rest of us to ski and board. Do not get the wrong idea though, as he works in womens clothing, so do not read too much into this foolhardy bravery. I mean his company deals in womens clothing, I have no idea how he is attired during the working day. I very much doubt he wears the same type of skirt that he wears in the evening.
His outrageous claim led to some vociferous debate over who was the most heterosexual man in the room. I did not contribute to this mass debate however, and I merely let my obvious manliness speak for itself. Very quietly. I believe in the old adage, the louder the voice, the weaker the argument. I merely sat back and enjoyed my sherry.
Later that evening, when we were sat in the restaurant, and we had consumed the obligatory obscene amount of alcohol, it was decided that the heterosexuality issue could easily be resolved by the table of girls next to us. But, in an alcohol-induced twist we decided that rather than ask who was the most heterosexual, it would be much better to ask them who was the least heterosexual.
There was much puffy-chestedness amongst the males in the group as the table of girls assessed us carefully. Up an down the table they looked, soaking up the palpable testosterone.
“I think it might be the one with the stripey jumper and white shirt.” whispered one of the girls.
“Hang on! I think you’ll find – technically speaking – that this jumper has hoops, not stripes.” I correctly pointed out, in an extremely masculine and yet supremely confident quiet manner.
I had suspected that making a bit of an effort, sartorially speaking, would count against me. Especially as everybody else had a scruffy t-shirt on.
Still, I am perfectly happy being the best dressed man on the mountain (which is obviously what the women on the next table were really saying anyway), and anyone who says different is a t-shirt-clad Neanderthal.
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Mr Farty · March 27, 2008 at 9:25 am
Congratulations on being best dressed man on Brokeback Mountain!
I’ll let someone else comment on your reticence on joining the mass debating.
Keef · March 27, 2008 at 9:43 am
You’ve piqued my curiosity here Angry, by what criteria do you define degrees of heterosexuality? I would have thought that it was a case of you are a poofter, you’re not a poofter or you swing both ways.
As for asking the girls at the next table to judge that strikes me as one of the lamest chat up lines ever.
Glammer · March 27, 2008 at 9:52 am
They all wanted you as a best friend. A big, gay best friend.
Dr J · March 27, 2008 at 10:20 am
There are days when you sound a hairs-breadth away from the cardy and slippers you know. And trust me, once that happens you can forget about sexuality altogether…..
Sewmouse · March 27, 2008 at 11:34 am
Mr. A has his sexuality questioned – Fat Jim’s Revenge Via Karma?
Jo · March 27, 2008 at 11:44 am
By night…a well dressed pisteur. By day, day-glow all in one fag bag at the ready. You know it’s the truth.
xl · March 27, 2008 at 12:58 pm
The issue was decided at “sherry.”
Brennig · March 27, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Awww c’mon folks. Ease up on Angry. The girls on the next table could have been a bunch of rough-as-shit Essex girls (probably from Basildon, Laindon or worse… Vange) whose collective definition of heterosexual might have been somewhere in the region of… Henry Cooper in his prime.
Or possibly not…
Lin · March 27, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Definitely, the sherry cracked it…I can see you now in your borrowed frock from Canary!
gnarlyswine · March 27, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Angry – I think the ladies may have been issueing a challenge for you to disprove. As it appears you didnt pick up or react to the cue, it may be they were right in there diagnosis. Whats next ,(website) makeovers and buying a Mac? Oh………..
Richard · March 28, 2008 at 12:39 am
The very fact that “keef” has to ask what defines masculinity makes it patently obvious he’s the gayest dude in his group.
GQ published an answer to a Style question once with the simple epithet “There’s nothing wrong with being the best dressed man in the room.” If that was you, to hell with the lezzers on the other table.
Oli · March 31, 2008 at 8:12 am
Aparently Internet podcasting is natures way of telling you to stock up on lubricant.