I receive a text message.
“Hope you had a good weekend? Are you around today? If you are, what are the chances of a lift to pick up my car in Old Windsor about 4.45?”
It is from a friend down the road, and her request is both friendly and quite polite. As it is, I am at home all day anyway, and old Windor is literally just a couple of miles away, so I agree, knowing full well that I will have a favour in the bank that I can use for something much more valuable than a three mile lift to pick up a car. Like when I need a kidney transplant or something. I text back in the affirmative.
Shortly afterward, I get another text in response.
“You’re a diamond!” it begins. Yes, I am a diamond, and it is nice for that to be noticed every now and again. I am not averse to helping out a friend in need, but I do not like to brag about it in a public forum, and so it is heartwarming to see this character trait being acknowledged so enthusiastically.
“If you just cross the M4…” the message continues, utterly unnecessarily.
I know where she lives, so this is strange. She lives not three hundred yards away. Why on earth would I head out to the motorway?
“When you get to the A4 head west for…..” it continues, sounding much like instructions you would give to a rally driver, except with traffic lights and pubs used as reference points. It strikes me that I am not being given the scenic route to her flat, but to a different destination altogether.
“…then swing a left and the office is right in front of you.” the message concludes, making it blindingly obvious that I will be picking her up from work. Of course, it is too late now to change my mind as I will look like a right tight-arse. So I seethe quietly and begin making lists of all the body parts I will want donated as compensation.
Later, as the storm hits east Berkshire hard, I bravely follow her instructions, like the diamond I am, and pick her up from work.
We begin to chat as we drive the SEVERAL MILES back to Windsor.
“So,” I begin, conversationally. “You never actually mentioned you wanted a lift from work.”
“Didn’t I? Oh, sorry about that.”
“It’s just that, with it being a lift to pick up your car, I thought it was a safe assumption that you would be working from home, you know, car-less, and almost next door to me.”
“No, I had to go in. It’s not a problem is it?”
“Well, I’m here aren’t I? It’s just I like to have all of the facts available to me when deciding whether to help someone out or not. It’s not that I don’t like you or anything, it’s just there is a limit to any sane persons generosity.”
“So you wouldn’t have picked me up if you’d known I was at work, and not at home?”
“Possibly not.”
“Fuck off!”
We continue the journey in silence.
I had still better get that kidney.
No tags
eetee · March 11, 2008 at 8:40 am
I was staying in the Coppithorne hotel Slough/Windsor a couple of weeks back…
I would have asked for a lift into Windsor had I known!
Not sure which vital organ I’d give up though.
ET
Dr J · March 11, 2008 at 9:00 am
We quite fancy a trip in to the O2 in the summer to do the Mummy thing. What time should we get to Windsor to cadge a ride in from a “local”? I’ll gladly trade you one of the childrens’ kidneys.. after all they’ve got two each.
GeorgeC · March 11, 2008 at 9:06 am
woah woah woah…. woah!
At the first hint of anything less than friendly from her mouth.. i.e. the “Fuck Off” part, you should have kicked her arse to the curb! Some people have no respect I tell you!
At least some good has come of this, she has now established the bounds of your generosity and as such she should hopefully think twice (or with a bit of luck, dare I say thrice?) before deciding to bother you with such tasking favours again.
Ellie · March 11, 2008 at 10:17 am
Thats quite rude – i also would have opened the passenger door and given her a not so gentle shove
although maybe you are now entitled to a kidney AND half a liver ?
keef · March 11, 2008 at 10:36 am
God you’re a wuss Angry, Wait till you’ve got kids, “Dad I’ve missed my bus can you come and get me?, Dad can you pick me up from my friends?” or in-laws for that matter, Last summer I got up at 2am to drive from the Midlands to Heathrow to collect my wife’s parents and listen to them telling me what a great time they’d had in Australia all the way home as I stared blearily through the windscreen.
Lin · March 11, 2008 at 11:00 am
Oh wow, had I have known what a diamond you are you could have taken me to work yesterday especially as I am quite near in South London and work in Kensington and possibly even home again. I would have freely donated my fingernails!
Billyo · March 11, 2008 at 12:45 pm
You picked her up anyway because you didn’t want to look like a tight-arse, and yet proceeded to tell her that you are at tight-arse. Interesting….
Jaggy · March 11, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I Am Livid?, more like I Am Slightly Miffed I’ve gone out my way and not even a chance of a thank you shag for being so generous.
GH · March 11, 2008 at 1:21 pm
So, Mr. Amenable, I take it that you’ve blown your chances with the young lady in question now then?
GH
Sewmouse · March 11, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Your generosity is matched only by your tact…
Quite the gentleman, you!
lloyd · March 11, 2008 at 2:02 pm
I understand Angry’s saved the best part of our journey for another post
Duck · March 11, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Lloyd,
Please tell us you got to Old Windsor and realised you’d left your car keys at the office.
Grumpy B · March 11, 2008 at 5:53 pm
God that’s so good. Con someone into doing you a huge favour then piss them off so they’ll never ask for one in return. I think nk your [ex-]friend is my new hero!
Does she have a blog?
xl · March 11, 2008 at 6:26 pm
“diamond”
Maybe she intended industrial diamond?
lloyd · March 11, 2008 at 7:44 pm
No keys were left at the office and I have no blog, but the journey did get better.
Marginally.
lksn · March 12, 2008 at 2:28 am
I will sell you one of my kidneys if you require it in the future. I give you good price !
Bob · March 13, 2008 at 5:49 pm
You are missing the point.
Was she fit ? Did you rag her ass ? Did you suggest she change gears with her flaps ?
A missed opportunity me thinks.
Pat · March 18, 2008 at 8:05 am
4d sent me round. I think that is quite a sneaky thing to do.