I receive a text message.

“Hope you had a good weekend? Are you around today? If you are, what are the chances of a lift to pick up my car in Old Windsor about 4.45?”

It is from a friend down the road, and her request is both friendly and quite polite. As it is, I am at home all day anyway, and old Windor is literally just a couple of miles away, so I agree, knowing full well that I will have a favour in the bank that I can use for something much more valuable than a three mile lift to pick up a car. Like when I need a kidney transplant or something. I text back in the affirmative.

Shortly afterward, I get another text in response.

“You’re a diamond!” it begins. Yes, I am a diamond, and it is nice for that to be noticed every now and again. I am not averse to helping out a friend in need, but I do not like to brag about it in a public forum, and so it is heartwarming to see this character trait being acknowledged so enthusiastically.

“If you just cross the M4…” the message continues, utterly unnecessarily.

I know where she lives, so this is strange. She lives not three hundred yards away. Why on earth would I head out to the motorway?

“When you get to the A4 head west for…..” it continues, sounding much like instructions you would give to a rally driver, except with traffic lights and pubs used as reference points. It strikes me that I am not being given the scenic route to her flat, but to a different destination altogether.

“…then swing a left and the office is right in front of you.” the message concludes, making it blindingly obvious that I will be picking her up from work. Of course, it is too late now to change my mind as I will look like a right tight-arse. So I seethe quietly and begin making lists of all the body parts I will want donated as compensation.

Later, as the storm hits east Berkshire hard, I bravely follow her instructions, like the diamond I am, and pick her up from work.

We begin to chat as we drive the SEVERAL MILES back to Windsor.

“So,” I begin, conversationally. “You never actually mentioned you wanted a lift from work.”

“Didn’t I? Oh, sorry about that.”

“It’s just that, with it being a lift to pick up your car, I thought it was a safe assumption that you would be working from home, you know, car-less, and almost next door to me.”

“No, I had to go in. It’s not a problem is it?”

“Well, I’m here aren’t I? It’s just I like to have all of the facts available to me when deciding whether to help someone out or not. It’s not that I don’t like you or anything, it’s just there is a limit to any sane persons generosity.”

“So you wouldn’t have picked me up if you’d known I was at work, and not at home?”

“Possibly not.”

“Fuck off!”

We continue the journey in silence.

I had still better get that kidney.

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