Well, not Christ exactly, just a really really old man. With a bike. He might not even be religious now I think about it, so it was probably a poor choice of post title in all honesty.
Anyway.
He has been seen in and around Windsor an awful lot in the last few months, both by me and by my friends. He is very easy to spot, as he is really old, and he is always pushing a bike.
He is never actually riding it. Just pushing it along. Slowly. Which really defeats the purpose of having a bike in the first place. It is a bit like those mentals who carry dogs.
He also appears to suffer from some sort of spinal problem as he is permanently watching his front tire go around, and not paying attention to the direction in which he is headed. I suppose it is possible he is just going round in one really big circle.
Or, as I have hypothesized, perhaps he is not the poor elderly gentleman we all assume, and in reality he is blatantly stealing bicycles right from under our very noses.
It is the perfect cover.
No-one ever suspects the old man. He is even faking spinal problems in order to ensure his face is never seen by the public. He is probably wearing a balaclava in case he ever has to look up to read a sign post.
It is lucky that I am not taking in by all this ‘elderly people don’t do crime’ bollocks, as I can see right through them and their over-zealous distribution of Werthers Originals. I see it for the misdirection it really is. Next time one of them offers you a sweet keep a close eye on your wallet.
Next time I see him I will be making a citizens arrest, and I fully expect a feature to follow in the local paper extolling my bravery in exposing a ruthless octogenarian crime syndicate.
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Laura · March 5, 2008 at 8:37 am
maybe you should start a group on facebook – “has this man stolen your bike?”
Great blog btw.. tune in everyday but cannot be arsed to comment.
Lin · March 5, 2008 at 10:44 am
Sounds very similar to the little bent over old ladies pushing empty prams/buggies. Obviously too old to have their own rugrat so maybe they go stealing them!!! Occasionally they have a tiny little dog in the pram…they never seem to put any shopping in the pram and I think they steal the dogs &/or babies and take them home and cook them instead. Amazing what you can curry these days. Probably home bake bread to accompany. Probably very tasty.
GH · March 5, 2008 at 10:53 am
Its probably one of the largest unrecognised criminal elements in the UK today. I mean we have a go at the yoof for hanging round in groups, but what about all those old bods slowly wandering round the post office or supermarket, wearing those large, bulky coats. You know they’re nicking the booze and small yappy dog food tins, the really expensive stuff. And they do prescription drugs!
GH
Kerri · March 5, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Angry you are a genuis, you should consider a career in the police force, clearly you are way ahead of our “law enforcers” when it comes to getting inside the criminal mind and spotting deviants!
Megan · March 5, 2008 at 1:59 pm
His partner in crime has been lurking around my work place. Only he seems to be specializing in used brown paper bags which proves that they only export the second rate criminals.
Melissaria · March 5, 2008 at 3:11 pm
They’re everywhere, I’m certian of it. The one in the last town I lived in used to walk round with an owl on his head. A real, live enormous great owl. On his head. No-one ever messed with him…that owl looked as though it meant business.
Rachel · March 5, 2008 at 3:47 pm
We’ve got a lady that goes around collecting bags, affectionately known as the “bag lady”. You’ve now answered the oft asked question of “whats in the bags” and now we know, she’s going around thieving! Genius!
StokeySiren · March 5, 2008 at 8:17 pm
As I have exclaimed before -Windsor sounds scary what with little old men pushing bikes and little old men complaining in Woolworths! In Hackney it is a bed of roses in comparison.
gnarlyswine · March 5, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Hes probably wearing one of them mission impossible type face masks as well – make sure you rip it off when you arrest him. I think they use quite string glue so a fair bit of force is likely required, ive heard acid may dissolve the sovent a little.
gnarlyswine · March 5, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Yes – I dont have time to splle check.
clarissa · March 5, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Will you be a more polite and friendly copper than the real deals?