I have been spending a few days back home with my family. This includes my sister and my two young nephews, with whom I ‘enjoyed’ a few hours of quality time a couple of evenings ago.
“Poo poo!” said one year-old nephew number two to everyone in the room.
The words were utterly redundant. It was pretty obvious to anyone with a nasal cavity that he had in fact done a poo-poo of epic proportion. It is disappointing that he can barely say mama or dadda, yet he is perfectly eloquent when telling the world he has soiled himself. This does not bode well for his academic career.
Despite my vociferous protests, my sister decided to change him in the lounge, in full view of both myself and my mother.
“Oh dear, it seems like he’s got the runs.” commented my mother as the nappy was removed.
“Woo! He does hum a bit, but I’ll have him clean enough to eat your dinner off him in a minute.” replied my sister. I felt like pointing out that there is not enough bacterial wash in the world to make me consider eating off something capable of making that smell, but I decided not to raise my head from my hands for fear of seeing something I really did not want to see. Plus the fact that speaking would mean taking another breath.
“Oh dear, does that make you feel a little nauseous?” asked my Mom.
“Yes, it does actually. I think I might need to get some air.” I replied honestly.
“I was talking to your sister.”
Unfortunately, it is way too late for me to change my family. They have all my contact details (including my super-secret email address and mobile phone number) so they would probably find me again pretty quickly and then claim me as one of their own. Which would be embarrassing in front of my super cool new family that I would buy on eBay.
Later, as the carrier bag containing the soiled nappy went flying passed my head, I cursed my luck in the genetic lottery and gave thanks for my sisters poor aim.
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Lin · February 26, 2008 at 8:57 am
If anyone dares to utter even one swear word within 500 yards of the child guaranteed that will be his second word!
We have a 6-week old baby in the family and it’s amazing how you forget those first diabolical early poos.
Equine Pimp · February 26, 2008 at 9:23 am
Have read this 3 times.
What is the issue?
keef · February 26, 2008 at 9:50 am
You very soon acquire complete indifference to the sight and smell of a nappy full of poo Angry, after the first couple of dozen you’ll be able to do it and eat your sandwich at the same time (though a certain amount of hand eye co-ordination really is advisable if you do)
Perhaps you ought to volunteer to change a few. The first nappy I changed was my eldest niece’s (who’s now 28 with kids of her own) and she was trying to crawl off and smearing it over the carpet as I was changing her.
Toughen up man and don’t be such a wimp
bittersweet me · February 26, 2008 at 9:59 am
awwww
i bet it makes you feel a little broody …
Mujja · February 26, 2008 at 10:07 am
I don’t understand. Are you fed up because your one year old nephew had his nappy changed in your presence OR because you are part of a loving family? either way it all seems a bit overly precious of you if you don’t mind me saying…….
StokeySiren · February 26, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Some people pay to have poo thrown at them apparently – the joys of internet surfing when take a little break from work.
StokeySiren · February 26, 2008 at 12:35 pm
*taking
Megan · February 26, 2008 at 1:58 pm
“…he can barely say mama or dadda, yet he is perfectly eloquent when telling the world he has soiled himself. This does not bode well for his academic career.”
I agree. With qualifications like that he’s almost certain to get tenure. I’m very, very sorry.
ubermouth · February 26, 2008 at 4:20 pm
babies are like toxic chemicals. I could never change a diaper. I would die!
Four Dinners · February 26, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Children have always been banned from my house until they can shit in the toilet – apart from my daughter who was sorted out by her mother well away from me. My brother and sister in law wouldn’t speak to me for banning their little shit machines many years ago. This was an unexpected bonus.
Vikki · February 26, 2008 at 7:42 pm
So ‘nephew number two’ is quite apt then?
zed · February 27, 2008 at 2:26 pm
ahhhhhhhh, those days of changing nappies. i guess it’ll soon be time for grandchildren even though my daughters have been given strict instructions not to start breeding before I’m 60.
sooz · February 27, 2008 at 10:07 pm
See now – me being of child-rearing career *sigh* I think that all things poo related should happen in the bathroom. It is not acceptable to clean someone’s arse in the living room!
I also insist that anyone who can say ‘can you wipe my bottom’ should do so them-bloody-selves!