I do not play the Lottery, and have not done so for probably five or six years.

I also rarely watch television on a Saturday night as I am normally out and about being suave, sophisticated and charming. In pubs. I did however catch the National Lottery television extravaganza briefly the other night, after having my interest piqued by mention of an obscenely large European jackpot.

Of course, it had already been drawn by then, I did not have a ticket for it, and it was for a European draw, but that is all beside the point.

I was alarmed to see, right there before me on the screen, reference to not one, but SIX different lottery games. All based on picking random numbers. Now, back when I played the lottery, it was “The Lottery” and everyone knew what you were talking about. Now if you mention doing the lottery, it immediately begs the question, “Ah, but which one? The Lotto? Euromillions? Thunderball? Dream Number? Daily Play or Lotto Hotpicks?”

What if you were the sort of person who was stupid enough all those years ago when the lottery began, to pick your numbers based on family birthdays and dates relevant to short-lived teenage romances etc. (hypothetically speaking, and anyone who says different is a liar etc..)? Do you now have to pick the same numbers on all six games?

I can not imagine anything much more sickening than having the same six numbers week on week for years, only to find they would have won the jackpot in one of the other five games.

So you can’t just do one competition, can you?

My first job was with one of the founding companies of the successful Lottery bidder, Camelot, so when I say this, I say it with some authority on the subject – they are just money grabbing cunts, the fucking lot of them.

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