“I’m going to go really deep this time, so this will probably hurt quite a bit…”

I had been looking forward to this experience, but this was not good. I pressed my face into the pillow and bit down even harder.

At least my dentist had the good grace to try and gloss over the fact that what she was going to do to me might hurt. This time, the lady stood dominantly over me was being pretty fucking explicit about the pain she was about to inflict upon me.

And she was right.

A deep tissue massage really does hurt.

This treatment was recommended to me by my physio for a hamstring injury I am currently recovering from. However, you should not make the mistake I made and conjure up images of sensual oils, soft hands and maybe even a ‘happy ending’.  This particular massage was about as erotic as being fitted for a colostomy bag.

At first, she made idle small talk whilst preparing to administer the punishment treatment.

“So, how did you get this injury?” she began, as her hands lightly crushed my flesh.

“It’s been a minor niggle since pre-season and…..YEAAARGGHHH!”

“What?”

“What are you doing?! That really hurts!”

“Oh. I was just warming up. I’m going to go really deep this time, so this will probably hurt quite a bit, but it really needs doing…”

As I bit down on the pillow I resolved to never go for another massage unless I know for fact that they know what they are doing, and like all registered masseuses, advertise this fact with a red light in their window.

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