People who claim that God talks to them are proper weird.

These people absolutely love their God, just because he talks to them. Whereas I talk to people all the time, and most of them hate me, it is truly unfair.

It is not like they even have great conversations. I could sort of understand it if one of these God conversationalists told me that He was one seriously funny fucker, the life and soul of the party.

“Fuck me that God is an absolute hoot. Seriously. We had a chat yesterday and it was like spending a night in Jongleurs. Without all the stag dos and that.”

But no, it is nothing like that. Instead, He talks to them in ‘mysterious ways’. I am not entirely sure what this means so I assume they mean that He talks a bit like a spy at the height of the Cold War. Does God inform them that the Black Dove is hovering above the cage until the elderberry grows mouldy? Because that is not really having a conversation, is it?

Sometimes, on the incredibly rare occasions when something good happens to you, you may think, “Man, I have got to call ’so-and-so’ because they are really going to love this!” But what about the avid God botherers? I have always wondered if the God whisperers try and call God there and then, or do they have to wait for him to get in touch?

“Fuck me God, you took your time, I’ve been sitting by the phone for ages, you’ll never believe who I bumped into at the Supermarket today…”

I would also like to know what happened the first time God spoke to them, because I have to admit, I would fucking shit myself. Then I would test him, what with me not being in the slightest bit gullible, so I would want to know Elvis’s middle name and why Jade Goody is famous, the things that only God himself could know. But clearly these folks just take it as read that it is him they are speaking to.

I would love to think that there is some radio station out there making all these prank calls to random people telling them that they are God. In fact, I might just start making a few of my own, as I quite like the idea of having an army of followers doing my bidding.

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