Happy new year to all the old internet people and especially to the new people off of iTunes (oh yes, yours truly is officially “New and notable” according the nice people at Apple – if you have iTunes I can be found here). To think some of you thought that the inaugural I am livid podcast was shit and that I sounded a bit like a gay Steve Coogan. Thanks for that.

This time last year I did a bit of a ‘review of the year’, but to be honest, it took fucking ages, and I can not be arsed to do all that reading back through the blog again this year (even though this blog is now officially two years old, happy birthday to me and that). This is why the archives are so helpful.

You want to know what I was doing in the second week of May? Go and find out. You don’t need me to tell you.

Anyway, I have a few tales to tell from the Christmas period, so without further ado, let’s get 2008 under way.

*********

Ker-chunk, ker-chunk, ker-chunk.

This is not a good sound to hear. Unless it is coming from a room in which James Blunt and Jade Goody have been imprisoned with just an axe between them. Even then you would probably want at least a few muffled screams to accompany it.

Unfortunately it was coming from my car, the day before Christmas Eve, just as I was hoping to get started on the Christmas shopping. So I did what any normal person would do in this situation, I called the AA.

“I am afraid you do not have a Homestart policy, so we can not come out to you unless you are a quarter of a mile from your home.”

Now, my car was not right next to my flat, but I am not sure even the most visually-challenged AA man would describe it as being a quarter of a mile away. Unless you were to extrapolate most men’s inability to judge, and tendency to exaggerate, distances of under six inches. Then I suppose you could describe the twenty meters as being almose a quarter of a mile.

“…but you can join for £39 and a one off £20 charge to join today.”

I considered this. For about £60 they would come out and take a look at my car, with no guarantee of getting it working. If only it had broken down 1/4 a mile away!

Then a thought struck me.

“Errm, if I were to go and get my car started now, and then it broke down, you know approximately one quarter of a mile away, say, then you wouldn’t charge me to come and look at it?”

“Well, no.”

“Right, in that case I will terminate this call as I have a feeling it’s going to start this time.”

A quick phone call to a couple of friends, and we were able to jump start it with ease. I drove around the block a couple of times and then parked up approximately one quarter of a mile from my home.

I turned off the engine. And started it again.

And turned it off. And started it again.

I had fixed it myself!

I have read stories of people who have special healing properties in their hands for things like back ache, acne and bad Aids, but I did not realise you could get it for cars. I am truly blessed. The irony is that I do not know one end of an engine from the other, but that is not necessary now, as all I have to do it lay my hands on it.

I look forward to using my new found gift on a rainy M1 hard shoulder some day soon.

No tags