There is a new guy at work who talks a lot. And I do mean an awful lot. I swear I now know more about him than I do about any other members of the team, even though I do not really like him very much. He endeared himself to me shortly after joining us.
He has this annoying habit of finishing any phone call with a flourish and then saying something like, “Well, that’s not very helpful is it!” whilst looking for eye contact with anyone foolish enough to engage him in conversation. If you do happen to get caught, he will then spend the next twenty minutes explaining why that phone call was wasn’t very helpful.
“Honestly, the mobile phone companies are so unhelpful!”
“Hmmm. Yes.” I agreed, whilst temporarily stood near his desk. Before the final ‘yes’ had even left my lips I realised I had made a mistake of epic proportions and that he was soon to star in my blog again.
“I’ve got to change you see, the reception where I live is pretty poor with Orange so I need to move to another provider, which is a lot more difficult than you’d imagine. I need to move because my mother is quite old you see, and if she rings me at home I need to be in a position to answer it, what with me being her first point of call and all that.”
“Uh huh.” I continued, whilst scouring the office for something plausible to call me away from the imminent aural torture.
“I mean, she does the best she can but she is in her 80’s now, and we’re having to look at potential homes for her, but as I’ve still not got power of attorney it is just about impossible to do anything. I’ve tried, of course, and I only want what’s best for her, but it really does seem like the system is geared towards making things difficult for me.
“Right.”
The whiteboard on the other side of the office that needed cleaning suddenly began to draw me in, even though cleaning a whiteboard is normally way beneath me. Unless I have sworn on it and forgotten to disguise my writing, again.
“It shouldn’t be a surprise I suppose, I did a lot of work with civil servants in my last job, and they really don’t seem to know what they are doing half of the time. I blame the Government. That Tony Blair has got a lot to answer for, and God knows what’ll happen now we’ve got his mate in his place. This country is going to the dogs.”
At this point, I finally made my escape, by running to the fax machine and pretending it was about to fall off the desk.
“Woah! That was a close one!”
I was desperate, OK?
I have never met anyone with ability to segue so effortlessly from one painfully dull subject to another at such wild tangents. I honestly believe that in his fifty plus years on this planet he has yet to utter a single sentence of any interest to anyone, anywhere.
Still, I haven’t told him to fuck off yet, so I am dealing with it quite well I think.
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GeorgeC · December 21, 2007 at 9:24 am
It’s at times like these I like to ask myself:
What would Jesus do?
Then I think to myself, at times like these, Jesus is being persecuted and/or nailed to a cross!
Telling him to Fuck Off really doesn’t seem so bad now huh?
Lin · December 21, 2007 at 9:31 am
Best thing to do is just keep waffling without giving him a chance to answer anything you say and if he tries to go louder then you also raise an octave or two but always start with a very big breath at first otherwise you may not be able to keep it up and then he will have butted in again and have started boring you silly with a load of shite that no-one on earth really needs to spend their time listening to never mind being polite about it and as you will find he may then pick on someone else to whinge at. OK
Keef · December 21, 2007 at 9:54 am
I’ve worked or rather suffered many people like this over the years Angry
Ignoring them will not work !!
These people are part Vogon they will take silence as implied interest,
your only hope is to shoot for the head.
Dev · December 21, 2007 at 11:03 am
I work with a few who could talk a glass eye to sleep. I find a faked mobile phone call usually does the trick.
Oli · December 21, 2007 at 11:30 am
Ask him what he thinks of S&M. Random worrying questions like that tend to make them uncomfortable.
TheBoy · December 21, 2007 at 12:28 pm
Noise reducing headphones. He starts talking, you pick them up, put them on, and listen to something you enjoy plugged into your PC. He’ll get the hint. Promise
gnarlyswine · December 21, 2007 at 1:42 pm
Ask him to write his thoughts down then post them round the office. You could then all reply with stupid suggestions, similar anecdotes and pedanticaly pointing out his spelling or grammatical errors. He would get the hint pretty quick and stop. Oh…maybe not.
xl · December 21, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Present him with a plaque engraved “BLATHERSKITE” for his desk.
GH · December 21, 2007 at 2:42 pm
You need to start offering him more helpful suggestions like :
Have you tried taking your granny out to the woods and leaving her to die from exposure?
or
Perhaps you should buy a shotgun and go “visit” the mobile company head office?
GH
Jo · December 21, 2007 at 5:34 pm
I had a friend at uni exactly like that. He was a history student and would have these really innane factual stories that he’d remember as you were watching TV, that were very loosely related to the current programme. No amount of staring at the screen and not doing anything except ‘Mmm’ every couple of minutes would stop him. Drove me MAD.
US · December 21, 2007 at 6:04 pm
I’m kind of with Oli on this one. Alternatively permanently carry a random sponsorship form with you and everytime he starts a conversation bring it out.
Miss Smack · December 30, 2007 at 4:09 am
I agree with a couple of your comments, but especially headphones.
When he starts, give him a look that says ’sorry, i didn’t hear you?’ and throw in a few ’sorry, I’m really busy today’ and he’ll get the hint.
TheShrink · January 2, 2008 at 1:00 pm
1) Learn a little about something dull. Say, honey. What’ on offer at Tesco this week, whether clear or murky honey is cheaper, the name of one wild flower honey brand. With Google this should all take no more than 5 to 10 minutes.
2) After his next diatribe ask him, “Hmmm, what you just said over the last painful 24 minutes, do you really think that’s interesting?”
3) If he says no, keep repeating and watch with delight as over time his self awareness grows.
4) If he says yes, sit him down and tell him, “Well thien, I’ve something to share,” hit him with your mind numbingly dull and pointless twaddle, then look excitedly for his comments. If he tries to leave, don’t let him, telling him, “But look, you find this sort of mindless detail so engaging what could be more important right now that can’t wait, I’ve yet to tell you about the African Striped Twitching Bee that can make 0.02745 grammes of honey every day if fed 0.036ml of water and given 3.2742 hectares to roam! Imagine!”
Then when he starts you can raise an eyebrow and murmur, “Oy, you’re doing it again,” then he will wither, knowing what an atrocity he’s visiting ‘pon you all.
Ubermouth · January 2, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Oops, made an error. Comment at the post below.
Loved this story. I knew a woman who would involve herself in everyone’s relationships, spreading malicious lies . She never got the hint with a simple ‘fuck off’ though.
Some people just have no social graces.