I read somewhere recently that you should test your smoke alarms at least once every few months. Not by secretly setting small fires in your house to try and catch them out, as any perfectly normal person would assume on first reading that sentence, but by pressing the big red button on the front to check the alarm is in good working order.
I have two smoke alarms in my flat. When I moved in three years ago, it took me several days to decide where to put the one located downstairs. You do not want it too near the kitchen due to the inevitable toast-related false alarms, yet at the same time it must be close enough in case you set fire to the kitchen. Again.
In then end I opted for a spot toward the base of the stairs, close enough to my bedroom to ensure I would wake up if it went off. I then put another one right outside my bedroom door as I remembered how heavy a sleeper I can be.
These positions are clearly optimised as three years of kitchen disasters have yet spark panic amongst the neighbours on the other side of the slightly-too-thin-for-comfort walls of my flat.
So, after reading the article suggesting you should regularly test your smoke alarms, I decided I would do just that. I got a chair from the dining area and stood on it directly beneath the smoke alarm. Then pressed the button.
Nothing.
I pressed it again.
Nothing.
I kept my finger pressed on it for a few seconds.
Nothing.
I kept my finger pressed on it for a few seconds with an amount of pressure sufficient to make my finger nail go white.
Nothing.
I decided that the only way to rectify the situation was to ‘open her up’. About ten minutes later, I finally worked out how to open it, just before the blood drained completely from my arms. It flipped open and I immediately spotted the problem. Three years ago, almost to the day, I had neglected to put any batteries in either of my smoke alarms.
The problem I have now, is that I am going to have to move them, because they KEEP GOING OFF.
No tags
Al · December 14, 2007 at 8:26 am
I insist my girlfriend has a smoke alarm. How else would I know dinner was ready!
Oli · December 14, 2007 at 8:48 am
Haha, my fire alarm batteries got moved long ago to my guitar tuner / pedals.
I will replace them one day!!
Equine Pimp · December 14, 2007 at 8:51 am
Mate – in your flat they are nothing but illusions of safety anyway.
No matter when they wake you, if the fire is downstairs you are jumping out of the window or burning.
As the fire will invariably wake you at some point, take the batteries out again.
Lin · December 14, 2007 at 8:59 am
A St Bernard doesn’t need batteries – will rescue you in a flash and give you a resusitating beverage as well. Can’t go wrong.
Jo · December 14, 2007 at 11:09 am
At least it doesn’t make that annoying BEEP! sound every minute like the one in my old student house used to do. Not a full blown alarm, just a beep every so often to remind you it was there. We threw rocks at it.
Jimmy Page's Trousers · December 14, 2007 at 11:59 am
That beep every couple of minutes is to warn you that the battery is running low.
It generally only ever happens at three in the morning at which time burning to death seems preferable to getting out of bed to find a sweeping brush to whack it with.
gnarlyswine · December 14, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Lin – although a St Bernard would do the job, a Dalmatian, will perform the task flawlessly, and also alert you if a neighbour opens a door, a piece of trash blows across your lawn, there is a slight wind outside, askunk is in your garden(admittedly this is not so useful in the UK), it is 1 am, it is 2am, it is 3am, etc.
Sam · December 14, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Duh brain
Z · December 14, 2007 at 5:00 pm
If you are unfortunate enough to be caught in an avalanche at the same time as your flat catches fire, a St Bernard would be ideal.
john gibson · December 14, 2007 at 6:34 pm
Just think,you if you had been killed you could have got an award in the darwins.
Tideliar · December 14, 2007 at 6:58 pm
Friends of mine moved into a new apartment with vaulted ceilings. Then lit a fire in the grate without opening the flue first. The fire alarm worked incredibly well, but was positioned about 15feet off the ground thanks to the vaulted cielings. I think they finally managed to tape two broom handles together in order to reach it smash it to pieces…
Duck · December 16, 2007 at 9:08 am
Count yourself lucky. Ours are wired into the mains so there’s no option to disable them.
I have to open all the doors and windows just to use my hair straighteners or they go off and toast is just a distant memory.
zed · December 16, 2007 at 5:18 pm
My ex went and put the smoke alarm bang next to (well, above) the oven and air extractor, or whatever they are called.
It went off every fucking time so I took it down.
The Inky Thinker · December 17, 2007 at 2:00 pm
where are you Angry?
Scaryduck · December 18, 2007 at 10:19 am
Ah, the joys of the 4am alarm call after a speck of dust enters the sensor. That’s LIVING.