I spent last weekend enjoying a traditional English break by the sea. I went to Bognor. More specifically, I went to Butlins in Bognor. For those of you that have not been to Butlins before, it is little bit like Guantanamo Bay, if Guantanamo Bay had been used as a detention centre in the 1950’s and the ‘residents’ were given a slightly wider selection of outfits to wear.

As we made our way to our Gold Standard Chalet I took in our surroundings and realised that I was essentially going to have to spend the next two days completely drunk in order to have a good time.

I dropped my bag on my single bed, and heard the crumple of waterproof mattress. Always a good sign. I then wandered to the living area where the Butlins staff had left us a welcome message.

“Dear Guest,” it began earnestly, “Welcome to Butlins!”

This was a good start. Positive and upbeat and full of the promise of wonderful seasidey things to come. Then it got straight to the point.

“We realise that most residents are here to enjoy themselves and will make all efforts to respect their surroundings. However, we would appreciate it if you could note the following charges will be applied to any damage caused during your stay.”

“Internal Door – £55
Television – £150
External Door – £90
Microwave – £30
Replacement Carpet – £120-£500
Chair – £30″

I have to admit that this was a first for me. The list continued like a rental property inventory, but the items above were the highlights. I have stayed in some truly god-awful shit holes over the years, but never have they provided a shopping list of things I could steal or damage beyond repair. The list said a great deal about the type of clientèle they had sought to attend the weekend party I had found myself directly involved in.

I was sure that the list itself would read like a challenge to a properly motivated individual. I can imagine a group of ASBO-wielding weekend release teenagers pooling their cash just to see how much damage they could afford to cause. Picture the scene, it is 3am after a drink-fuelled evening and Tyrone is about to throw a microwave out of the window, “Stop! That’s thirty quid! Do you know how much Buckfast we can get with £30?!”

I briefly considered throwing a microwave out of the window myself. It was only £30, and how often do you get to do that? Unfortunately we were on the ground floor and essentially dropping a microwave three feet to the floor is not worth £30. With hindsight I could probably have done it and then put it back in place as I can not imagine a three foot drop is fatal to a microwave.

In truth, I am sorry to report that I broke nothing, and stole even less for the rest of the weekend.

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