I recently bought the new Die Hard film to complete my DVD collection of the genre. John McLane is the reason I own a vest. And a gun. OK, that was a joke. I do not own a vest.
Anyway, I sat down to watch my new film, unsure as to what was going to happen, as I had missed the film when it was at the cinema. I was still pretty sure that John McLane was going to kick someone’s ass whilst rebelling against authority and using any excuse to drop in a wise crack.
As the music began I settled into the sofa and made myself comfortable.
“Piracy is a crime!” screamed the screen.
I know this. I have read Treasure Island and know of the legend of Blackbeard, though I was unsure as to why now was a good time to warn me away from a life of thievery on the high seas.
“That operation is currently prohibited.” announced my DVD player as I attempted to fast forward through this warning.
Why is it prohibited? I have bought the DVD. I have paid for it with real cash money. I do not wish to be subjected to accusations of theft. I sat there unable to do anything except watch the further accusations.
“DVD Piracy supports terrorism!” claimed my perfectly legitimate DVD.
If this were true then surely the war against terror could be more easily won? Why bother searching caves in Afghanistan if success can be gained by sneaking up on moody DVD sellers at most local markets?
I am not a criminal mastermind, but if I was, I am quite sure that if I were to try and make some money copying DVDs, then I would start the copying process after the piracy warning. What sort of criminal would leave it in?
After what seemed like about an hour I finally got to see John McLane kicking ass and rebelling against authority whilst making wise cracks at any opportunity.
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16 comments
<< Phobia
greavsie · November 29, 2007 at 9:13 am
Sometimes that’s the best bit of the DVD.
Oli · November 29, 2007 at 9:49 am
I get a little riled about this, I wonder how long its going to take for the dvd/cd industry to realise that they can either adapt or die?
Putting these warnings up does nothing.
Jaggy · November 29, 2007 at 10:20 am
The recording, software and DVD industry assumes that everyone is a thief. You are guilty of theft no matter if you prove yourself innocent. The DRM issue drives me bonkers. We should rebel! Opensource for everyone and don’t buy any DVDs at Xmas for anybody.
Lin · November 29, 2007 at 10:46 am
Why not just open the wine and get the snacks ready while the dvd warms up to the film? Obvious I think!
Z · November 29, 2007 at 11:02 am
I love the sweetlittle snippets of private information you give us. You must look so heroic, swaggering around in best Bruce Willis grubbies.
Keef · November 29, 2007 at 11:12 am
What riles me is that they usually won’t let you fast forward through adverts for other films either usually ones you’ve already seen or wouldn’t be caught dead watching.
Every time I see something like these warnings I feel a burning urge to rush to my computer and download bootleg movies and music off t’web
Wanda Benderbus · November 29, 2007 at 11:19 am
I don’t see how you think the war on terror could be won more easily if soldiers have to contend with a bunch of dirty, hairy men wealding cutlasses. Frankly, If the terrorists and pirates get together we’re in a lot of trouble. Maybe you should spend time thinking over this serious matter whilst the warning plays out.
Salvadore Vincent · November 29, 2007 at 11:39 am
Remember also that PIRATE DVDS FUND THE DRUG INDUSTRY!!! But why a drug dealer would want to move from the incredibly profitable business of selling drugs, with all its guaranteed repeat custom (you sell crack to someone once and they will literally do anything to buy more from you) to hawking DVDs around pubs (you sell a Ben Affleck film to someone once and you lose a customer for life) is anyone’s guess.
Mr Angry · November 29, 2007 at 11:50 am
greavsie – Not in this case! Yippee Kiyay m…
Oli – Everything will be downloadable in five years anyway.
Jaggy – Hello. That is true. The presumption of innocence is not applicable here.
Lin – That would require planning. I do not do ‘planning’. I am a spur of the moment kinda guy.
z – I do not swagger. I crouch and roll.
Keef – I could get through those fortunately.
Wanda Benderbus – Hello. I hope no-one introduces them at a party then.
Salvadore – I always thought those warnings were referring to a division of Pfizer? Buy an Angelina Jolie movie today, get a monster boner tomorrow. Or something like that…
Jo · November 29, 2007 at 1:39 pm
I always laugh everytime I see ‘piracy funds the drug dealers / terrorists / mafia’ or whatever…does it? does it really? Are terrorists really sitting in underground bunkers knocking out copies of high school musical to tempt the west into a life of crime? I’d say it’s more than likely funding the electricity and heating bill of the bloke from down the market.
StokeyPerson · November 29, 2007 at 1:49 pm
With the pirate dvd’s you do get the authentic feel of being sat in the cinema – and as ever the tallest bloke with the loudest laugh and who keeps asking his mate what is going on etc is annoyingly there.
gnarlyswine · November 29, 2007 at 2:22 pm
I can’t believe everyone is looking past the obvious solution – either take a pair of scissors and cut a few millimeters off the rim of the disc, or pick up the needle and move it on a little bit – tch,luddites.
Megan · November 29, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Here I was teetering on the brink of buying that DVD (positive column: Die Hard; negative column: Friend assures me the “yippee kiyay” line was sanitized damnit) and you push me over the edge. If I get to be called a pirate I’m there. Lemme dig out that eye patch…
Peach · November 29, 2007 at 4:05 pm
I think it’s suitable punishment for anyone who actually paid money for Die Hard. I’m with the pirates !
Glammer · November 29, 2007 at 5:48 pm
I think you should have to watch the warning just for making an cliched ooh arr pirates references whilst essaying on DVD piracy.
Phil · December 1, 2007 at 4:33 am
I hate DVD players that refuse to fast forward during some stupid studio logo or copyright message. My DVD player is the most disobedient thing I own. Nothing else I have refuses me in this way. When my DVD player fails to fast forward, it’s not because it can’t, or because it’s broken. It’s because it positively, actively, willfully, won’t.
It is so stupid. We all know about video copyright etc from VHS tapes years ago. And these studios seem to think their logo is more important than the film.
Honestly. Imagine a film where this function were used meaningfully. It could say, “Are you sure?! You want to fast forward through this bit? You’ve not watched this film before and these few sentences are what the film is all about! Skip this and you might not ever figure out what is going on!”
Can anyone recommend a DVD player that behaves like a VHS tape recorder and always obeys its owners’ commands?