Well, first of all you have to make friends with God, obviously. Even I know that.
But which one?
A quick Google (it is nice to use it for something other than investigation my own symptoms) told me that there are twenty two religions with over half a million followers. I do not have time to be friends with twenty two Gods. Even as a man of leisure.
Just to make it even more difficult each of those twenty two say that you can not be friends with a different God. It is very much a case of backing a horse and sticking with it. However, I am advocating that we should use of this “pick me, and pick only me!” mentality in our favour.
My method of ensuring I get into Heaven is based on the premise that, “My enemy’s enemy is my friend.”
If myself and the proper actual God out of that twenty two potential Gods, have a common enemy, then surely I will be welcomed into Heaven with open arms? Plus, depending on which God wins, then I might even get some virgins thrown in for good measure.
So, first of all I need to pick that common enemy. I am not stupid, so I am not going to pick one of the popular religions to be my enemy. I am going to play the odds, and go for Mami Wata.
I know what you are thinking, “What the hell is that?!”
Well, she is a God of stuff to do with psychic phenomena such as divination and spiritual healing. Stupid stuff mainly. She is a rubbish God, and I mock her utter stupidness! (Please take note other twenty two potential Gods) .
I intend to mock her at least once a day, and then, on the day of reckoning I will make sure the real God knows exactly what efforts I went to, in order to show people she was a false God. Honestly, this is a sure fire winner.
Of course, if I die and I am met by Mami Wata then I am fucked. But then so are 99.999% of the world, so at least I will have some company in hell.
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13 comments
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StokeyPerson · November 23, 2007 at 9:25 am
People do recover from tonsilitis I think
Oli · November 23, 2007 at 9:40 am
Im liking the sound of Mami Wata, she makes women barren so you dont get burdened with a child, she encorages beauty and sex, and she burdens riches on those that do it often. Its almost enough to makeme religious.
Lin · November 23, 2007 at 11:51 am
Mr Angry is definitely worsening… What with 43 blow jobs yesterday, today he is after virgins in heaven. Mami Wata, if you are listening, this man needs help!
Although, thinking about it, I might sign up too!
AFC30K · November 23, 2007 at 12:08 pm
As The Boy said yesterday, you really do need to go back to work.
There is an illness “cabin fever” and I think you have many of the symptoms!
TheBoy · November 23, 2007 at 2:07 pm
Aaaangry, AFC30K stole my joke, tell him to give it back!
Still, you are worrying me. Social ills, religion, you are either terminally ill, growing up or terminally bored. None are good things…
Salvadore Vincent · November 23, 2007 at 2:28 pm
If only there was a way of working out which was best.
There is!
eetee · November 23, 2007 at 2:44 pm
Subscribe to Which?
Is supposed to take the guess work out of this sort of descision…
The Inky Thinker · November 23, 2007 at 3:14 pm
I don’t want to get deep about this, but you can’t have 22 people running the show can you? No wonder there is so much confusion in the world, I bet they have not sat round the table togther since the big bang.
“Right chaps, lets have a bit of a fireworks party to kick things off, then we can review things after that to see how its going”
Typical fucking management by committee. Will one of you please stand up and take ownership of this fucking mess.
HHHHHEEEEEEEELLLLLPPPPP.
…lightening bolt….. ZAP
ouch.
Jo · November 23, 2007 at 5:51 pm
I pray to one god, and one god only: He who is in charge of the money tree in the … Mami Lottery.
Jo · November 23, 2007 at 5:51 pm
^in the sky^
xl · November 23, 2007 at 6:07 pm
Before getting too excited about the virgins thing, you might want to consider just why they are virgins. Just be careful here, they might not measure up to Mr A standards.
Equine Pimp · November 23, 2007 at 11:30 pm
Harry Hill knows how to get the answer
There’s only one way to settle this
FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT
Four Dinners · November 24, 2007 at 8:22 pm
At 23 I thought the Hindu God Brahman was spelt Bra Man. I liked him then. I thought he was the God of Tits.