Well, first of all you have to make friends with God, obviously. Even I know that.

But which one?

A quick Google (it is nice to use it for something other than investigation my own symptoms) told me that there are twenty two religions with over half a million followers. I do not have time to be friends with twenty two Gods. Even as a man of leisure.

Just to make it even more difficult each of those twenty two say that you can not be friends with a different God. It is very much a case of backing a horse and sticking with it. However, I am advocating that we should use of this “pick me, and pick only me!” mentality in our favour.

My method of ensuring I get into Heaven is based on the premise that, “My enemy’s enemy is my friend.”

If myself and the proper actual God out of that twenty two potential Gods, have a common enemy, then surely I will be welcomed into Heaven with open arms? Plus, depending on which God wins, then I might even get some virgins thrown in for good measure.

So, first of all I need to pick that common enemy. I am not stupid, so I am not going to pick one of the popular religions to be my enemy. I am going to play the odds, and go for Mami Wata.

I know what you are thinking, “What the hell is that?!”

Well, she is a God of stuff to do with psychic phenomena such as divination and spiritual healing. Stupid stuff mainly. She is a rubbish God, and I mock her utter stupidness! (Please take note other twenty two potential Gods) .

I intend to mock her at least once a day, and then, on the day of reckoning I will make sure the real God knows exactly what efforts I went to, in order to show people she was a false God. Honestly, this is a sure fire winner.

Of course, if I die and I am met by Mami Wata then I am fucked. But then so are 99.999% of the world, so at least I will have some company in hell.

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