I quite like buying toys.
I can spend literally hours browsing gadget and electrical shops looking for something cool to buy. I am a sucker for flashing lights and techno-babble I do not understand.
Iin this particular instance however, my toy was a little more low-tech.
I bought a paper shredder.
You would think this was a simple task, but you would be wrong. There are lots of paper shredders to shred your paper, and if you do not want borderline autistic identity thieves to piece all of your information together like a big jigsaw puzzle in order to get at your Tesco Clubcard points, then you have to get a certain type of cross-shredder.
My previous anti-identity theft tactics had been completely fool proof. I simply avoided throwing away anything with my name on it. I have boxes and boxes of bills, statements, application forms, letters etc. None of which I will ever want, or need to see again, but I was too scared to throw them out. What if a master criminal got hold of them and convinced the world they were me? Fortunately, I have never heard of an identity thief breaking into peoples lofts to get at old bank statements, so I thought it would be fine.
Actually, my shredder is pretty cool, as shredders go. Unfortunately, there are only so many times you can watch a batch of eight (yes, eight!) sheets of paper being sucked into the cutting mechanism before you get quite bored by it. The amount of times the the equivalent of the number of sheets in a quarter of a box of paper (divided by eight, yes eight!), in fact. Which is not very much when you have just over six boxes to shred.
One cool feature it does have though, is a safety mechanism which stops the cutters if a human finger gets too close. And also other animal fingers I imagine. What I do not understand is why I keep testing this safety feature. I know it works. It has worked every time I have tried it (0ver 50 as a conservative estimate).
If, just once, it doesn’t work, I am going to lose a digit. All because I want my new toy to seem a bit more interesting. I have no idea how I would explain such an incident.
“Oh dear, did you lose that finger shark diving in South Africa?”
“Ouch, did that get ripped off saving that child from the burning car?”
Or
“You lost it trying the safety feature on your paper shredder? For the eighty seventh time? What was it about the first eighty six times that led you to believe you needed just one more test?”
I do still have ten digits, for clarification, but I have no idea how long this will remain the case. I simply can not stop myself. I think perhaps I need help.
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ninja chinchilla · November 20, 2007 at 8:48 am
Didn’t Richard Hammond just want ‘one more go’ in that jet-powered car. Look where that got him…..and I’m not talking about the book deal.
Oli · November 20, 2007 at 9:43 am
If you google “Testing Safety Features Just One More Time” I bet it’s a symptom of cancer.
Lin · November 20, 2007 at 10:49 am
Buy a juicer – much more fun using various veggies eg beetroot & raspberries for example……..you can even make your own alcoholic smoothies.
To get rid of your card number on a receipt just brush a lit cigarette across the back!
Tips like this you just can’t get everyday.
TheBoy · November 20, 2007 at 11:10 am
You need to go back to work if your only inspiration for blogging is your paper shredder…
grumpy b · November 20, 2007 at 11:22 am
The low tech solution is to go to the pet store and buy a family of mice. Set them up in the loft with your unwanted files and they and their offspring will chomp their way through to make cosy little nests in no time.
No safety mechanism to stop them biting fingers that get too close, but that may just be enough to put off the identity-theft masterminds too.
Al · November 20, 2007 at 12:16 pm
I bought a shredder and it was a waste of money. Never got it out the box. I found something better(and cheaper) Matches! Once a week I burn all the correspondence, take away menus,flyers,beer boxes etc. Great fun and I get a double bonus as I am doing my bit for global warming!
Jo · November 20, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Wow…they have a thing that stops your finger getting chopped off?
We’ve got a shredder downstairs… and this information has just made my unemployed day a lot more interesting.
What else will it / won’t it shred!!! The possibilities are endless!!
Dr_Clip · November 20, 2007 at 1:10 pm
wow, I have just made tagliatelle.
Equine Pimp · November 20, 2007 at 2:12 pm
I can’t believe that your golf game has got so bad that you have resorted to trying to incapacitate yourself through self harming.
Lessons would be cheaper.
xl · November 20, 2007 at 2:48 pm
Well OK, as long as you are not testing the safety feature with a certain other appendage…
StokeyPerson · November 20, 2007 at 3:20 pm
All that worry and trouble (and potential self harm) may be for naught. The nice people at Tescos are very understanding if you feel you are missing a few Clubcard points.
Z · November 20, 2007 at 3:23 pm
These insights into your personality are really very sweet.
AFC30K · November 20, 2007 at 3:32 pm
Wifey has a shredder (‘cos she does lots of work that’s confidential.. (very exciting)) but she keeps trying to feed a whole ream (exageration) in to her six sheet shredder.
When I admonished her she said ‘well it works doesn’t it!’ that was unitl last week end and now it just clunks alot.
Sam · November 20, 2007 at 9:07 pm
I got an incinerator bin – one of those big metal bins with the chimney in the lid. I got so sick of spending half a day shreding stuff – now I save it all up and go out side (that bits important – do not do this inside the house) and set fire to it all. Not very eco friendly I know, but much more fun.
Curious · November 20, 2007 at 9:14 pm
There’s a relation between the fun quotient of using the finger safety feature and getting Fat Jim involved, but i’ll be damned if i can come up with it just today.
la cubana gringa · November 20, 2007 at 10:02 pm
Or perhaps your large, swollen, potentially cancerous, lymph nodes are obstructing the blood flow to your brain?
Admin comment by Mr Angry · November 20, 2007 at 10:30 pm
I like the idea of burning stuff. That could be fun, but it’s not really a toy, is it?
Also, it seems the medical profession have finally made their mind up and I officially have Tonsillitis! I am not going to die!! Well, not yet anyway, obviously we all are going to die one day, but try not to think about that as it will only get you down.
Barry · November 20, 2007 at 11:01 pm
At the mention of Fat Jim I immediately pictured someone shredding hot dogs. I wonder how that would work. Or bacon. I’d like to try this at work actually with the cold cuts in my sandwich.
Four Dinners · November 20, 2007 at 11:57 pm
My paper shredder does 10 at a time so na-na-n-na-na
Actually it’s the wifes. I’m not allowed near it. Sensible woman.
Bloody huge thing it is n all. Sits belligerently on a sideboard. It may have eaten a cat as we seem to be missing one.