“Stop right where you are mate!”

This is a worrying thing to hear when it is shouted in your direction, especially when you are outside a London tube station. I have no desire to be the next Jean Charles de Menezes, so I did as I was told.

Then I noticed that the person doing the shouting looked more like a slightly retarded clipboard-carrying Blue Peter presenter than a trigger-happy undercover policeman intent on shooting me in the face. Then again, I suppose that is how they sneak up on you.

“I’d like to talk to you about the Children’s Society” he began.

“Oh. This is about charity is it? I do more than enough already, and it’s not as if anyone on the Internet wants to hear about all that good charity work that I do, so I’ll stop there I think, and not tell you about all the charity work I already do.”

“I’m sure you do, but if you could spare me just two minutes I’ll tell you about all the amazing work that we do. All I need is…”

“You work on commission right?”

“I, err, sort of…”

“Right, I tell you what. If you’ll split the commission with me, right now, in cash, I’ll sign up. How’s that?”

“I don’t think I can… I err, I’m not sure if…”

“Look, I am not an unreasonable man. There are about a dozen people off of the Internet that will back me up on that, and I’m offering you the chance to get 50% of your commission right here, right now. I could demand 90% for myself and you’d still be better off than me walking away and you getting nothing at all. But I am a reasonable man, as I said. This is a win-win situation. Take it or leave it.”

“I don’t think I can, if I can just…”

“B’bye then.”

As I walked away from Angel tube I was accosted by two further ‘chuggers’ (from the term ‘charity muggers’) , each of whom I pointed in the direction of their colleague nearest the station.

“I have made him an offer. If you’re interested, I’ll be back this way in about thirty minutes. We can talk then.”

As I sat having a coffee, I realised how this last statement could potentially be misinterpreted. I had a troublesome vision of a male Chugger offering me sexual favours in return for charitable donations. Which for clarification, I would definitely not be interested in. I did not want to hurt their feelings, particularly if they been wrestling with their conscience and had finally decided to debase themselves by sucking off a complete stranger in order to secure a charity direct debit.

I went back to the station the long way to avoid any unwanted unpleasantness.

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