I have always been in favour of the smoking ban. Not to the Draconian extent it has been implemented in some places, but I do want to be able to enjoy a pint without inhaling the contents of someone else’s lungs, unless they have been smoking the delicious crack.
Anyway, last week I went out with some friends to my first gig since the ban came into force. I went to see The Charlatans (or ‘The Charlatans UK’ for my US reader) at Shepherds Bush empire. I have been there a few times before, but not for many years.
We moved our way into the crowd to position ourselves just far enough back to avoid any potential moshing (I am twenty-twelve now, and so bouncing around with young people is strictly a weekend only activity). We found a good spot and I took a swig from my Guinness-in-plastic. Then I noticed it.
Fart.
And not the sort that makes you go, “You smelly bastard!” and then lets you get on with your day. I mean the sort that makes you wretch until a bit of sick comes up into your mouth, and makes you hold your nose, but that makes it worse because then you know that microscopic bits of poo are getting into your mouth so you are sick even more. It was like they had spent the day wolfing down dogshit sandwiches. Honestly, I have never smelt anything quite so bad.
Others agreed with me, and the drunk ginger bloke in front us became the favourite for the phantom farting crown.
Then I smelt something else.
B.O.
Again, not the minor whiff of a passing pedestrian who has forgotten to shower, but the stink of someone who has been living in a metal drum in the Sahara whilst being force fed Indian food and limited to washing in elephant dung.
I had never noticed it before, but the general public fucking stinks. Really. You do. For years the odour of Benson & Hedges has clearly covered a multitude of sins. No wonder you were so against the ban. It wasn’t the thought of giving up smoking that got you all complaining. It was the thought of all that money you were going to have to spend on soap.
It is almost enough for me to join the ‘bring back smoking’ brigade.
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20 comments
<< Chuggers
Shambo's revenge · November 14, 2007 at 8:50 am
Seconded!
Lin · November 14, 2007 at 9:57 am
Thirded, and don’t even mention the tube!
Oli · November 14, 2007 at 10:40 am
I went into a nightclub a few weeks back, one word – Sweat.
This was not just any nightclub, it was reflex. For two hours we stayed in this abysmal place surrounded by the stench of sweaty bopping 40+ year olds.
Even the hoff did not save the day.
mike · November 14, 2007 at 10:54 am
Totally agree, and I find that the younger the crowd, the worse the stench. (Old socks! Rotting trainers! Biactol!)
Some of the more enlightened venues have taken to burning joss sticks in their stinkier areas.
Falco · November 14, 2007 at 11:01 am
Can we get tobacco joss sticks? Or just light a few cigars and wave them about a bit.
me · November 14, 2007 at 11:23 am
perhaps you could try a dab of vicks vapour rub on your top lip next time you go out to a public event.
(still snorting at ’strictly a weekend only activity’)
GH · November 14, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Being on the side of the health nazis occasionally, I think that gigs and other gatherings should come with pong police. Mandatory use of breath mints, BO basher or a cork up the arse as needed. They wouldn’t even need specially trained spaniel to smell the fuckers, people around ‘em would happily point them out.
GH.
Brom · November 14, 2007 at 1:29 pm
I read somewhere that someone is trying to come up with air “fresheners” for public places which smell just like and old smokey pub.
Jo · November 14, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Eurgh…I discovered this the first and last time I went to my student union nightclub in the summer. This rancid awful smell of a thousand farts all lingering in and around the dancefloor. And not just any farts: Student farts. Farts made up of ready meals, take aways and snakebite.
Duck · November 14, 2007 at 2:19 pm
My local is the same. Without the fug of cigarettes, the smell of mouldy carpets with layer upon layer of spilt beer, puke and sweaty bodies is unmasked. Bring back smoking.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · November 14, 2007 at 4:38 pm
mike – Joss sticks?? There was a very brief whiff of a herbal cigarette and it was welcome respite.
GH – I would fully back a minimum standard in personal hygiene for people in public places.
US Reader · November 14, 2007 at 4:45 pm
“because then you know that microscopic bits of poo are getting into your mouth so you are sick even more”
so excellent. I have a new phobia to discuss with my week day therapist.
thank you for the US translation and shout-out btw. I will resume using a random unassuming name for my next comment.
p.s. eleventh!
ie · November 14, 2007 at 5:58 pm
Good day from another US reader:
We’re being strong-armed by the no-smoking-Nazis as well, so I guess I will have to bring my Vicks to the next concert I go to. The line “For years the odour of Benson & Hedges has clearly covered a multitude of sins.” made me LOL. (shhhh we’re trying to work here)
And GH, wouldn’t the “cork up the arse as needed” be a potentially deadly weapon what with the force of some of those farts?
Grumpy B · November 14, 2007 at 7:09 pm
The only solution is copious farting. We all know ours smell best.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · November 14, 2007 at 10:42 pm
I have two US based readers?
Hmm, so THIS is what it feels like to break America…
In your FACE Robbie Williams!
xl · November 14, 2007 at 11:00 pm
Three US-based readers. Mr A, you are an international sensation.
melanie · November 14, 2007 at 11:44 pm
that makes me the fourth musketeer.
yes. the smell of bad sweat and farts can sure ruin a good concert… maybe we should carry around faux cologne in spray cans, innocuously spraying the stinkers.
GH · November 15, 2007 at 9:27 am
Bugger innocuous! kick ‘em in the groin and spray while they’re rolling on the floor.
Call it hygiene education
Oli · November 15, 2007 at 9:40 am
Damnit I only managed 2
Nearly Angry · November 15, 2007 at 11:48 pm
Dear Angry,
Thanks for putting back the full feeds, I can now loiter on my rss reader with intent.
Cheers,
Not nearly as angry as I once was
PS Thanks for the reassurance you have taste outside the realms of anger (Conchords etc…)