I have always been in favour of the smoking ban. Not to the Draconian extent it has been implemented in some places, but I do want to be able to enjoy a pint without inhaling the contents of someone else’s lungs, unless they have been smoking the delicious crack.

Anyway, last week I went out with some friends to my first gig since the ban came into force. I went to see The Charlatans (or ‘The Charlatans UK’ for my US reader) at Shepherds Bush empire. I have been there a few times before, but not for many years.

We moved our way into the crowd to position ourselves just far enough back to avoid any potential moshing (I am twenty-twelve now, and so bouncing around with young people is strictly a weekend only activity). We found a good spot and I took a swig from my Guinness-in-plastic. Then I noticed it.

Fart.

And not the sort that makes you go, “You smelly bastard!” and then lets you get on with your day. I mean the sort that makes you wretch until a bit of sick comes up into your mouth, and makes you hold your nose, but that makes it worse because then you know that microscopic bits of poo are getting into your mouth so you are sick even more. It was like they had spent the day wolfing down dogshit sandwiches. Honestly, I have never smelt anything quite so bad.

Others agreed with me, and the drunk ginger bloke in front us became the favourite for the phantom farting crown.

Then I smelt something else.

B.O.

Again, not the minor whiff of a passing pedestrian who has forgotten to shower, but the stink of someone who has been living in a metal drum in the Sahara whilst being force fed Indian food and limited to washing in elephant dung.

I had never noticed it before, but the general public fucking stinks. Really. You do. For years the odour of Benson & Hedges has clearly covered a multitude of sins. No wonder you were so against the ban. It wasn’t the thought of giving up smoking that got you all complaining. It was the thought of all that money you were going to have to spend on soap.

It is almost enough for me to join the ‘bring back smoking’ brigade.

No tags