I was round at a couple of friends of mine for Sunday dinner. The food was very good and we were sitting in the lounge discussing things like politics, the environment and religion. Unfortunately, like all conversations that include at least one woman, the talk eventually turned to shopping.

“I have just bought these new shoes!” said my friend holding out a shoe for me to look at.

“It is a nice shoe, I guess.” I replied, whilst turning the shoe over in my hand to look at the other side of it.

It is difficult to know the correct way to admire a shoe, as there is a very fine line between feigned interest and accusations of fetishism. I have not licked a woman’s shoe for absolutely ages now, so I think I did a good job. At least I think I did, as she continued to smile and was not demanding I hand it back instantly. I looked at the label inside the shoe, and it read, “Jimmy Choo”.

“They are Jimmy Choo’s as well.” she helpfully pointed out, momentarily forgetting that I have been literate for some twenty seven years.

“Yes, I am a big fan of his films.”

“No, idiot, he’s a shoe designer, a very good one, but it’s OK as I got these in the sale.”

This is a good thing. She is proving herself to be an excellent girlfriend by not only buying black high heels so she can whore-it-up a bit at home, but she was also looking to secure a bargain in the process. In this day and age, and with the ever-worsening American mortgage crisis, we should all take her lead by trying to be more frugally aware when spicing things up a bit at home.

“Yes, in fact these only cost me £250.”

I am aghast.

The words do not come.

“£250? On shoes? And that’s…that’s…good?!”

“Yes, of course it is.”

I simply can not conceive of a situation whereby I would be relieved to have spent just £250 on shoes. I try to explain that amounts like this should only ever be spent on essentials like housing, food or a new Titleist Driver. This is why I will never understand women, and why I will defend my wallet from them until I draw my last breath.

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