“Yeah, another double vodka Red Bull please, great, thanks, cheers mate, ta. Where was I? Oh yeah, cats. Fucking hate them, They’re all the same, even the different coloured ones. Sneaky little bags of skin and bone. I don’t mind dogs so much. A dog will sit on your lap because of some animal notion of affection. A cat will only sit on your lap if its warmer than the floor. They are like the politicians of the animal world. Horrible creatures. I bet as well that if you shaved them they’d all look alike. In fact, I think we should shave a few of them. Just to check. They could be hiding anything under there, weapons, drugs, elaborate tattoos of local incarceration facilities. I bet a lot of them have tattoos. I’ve been to a tattoo parlour, to watch a mate, I am not mental, and I bet they’d happily tattoo a cat. I would like to capture a cat and have it tattooed with the words “I told you not to shave me, now you’re going to PAY!” just so whoever shaved it after me would be freaked out. You might think it’s cruel, but I don’t. I’m not averse to a general anesthetic. Of course some of the animal groups might disagree, but lets see them prove it. Once the hair had grown back they would have to shave it to prove I’d done anything wrong. They would have to be cruel to the cat to prove I was cruel to the cat. It is like the perfect crime. God I’m good. I knew I should have left school to become a master criminal. Is that my drink? Great, cheers, thanks mate, ta.”

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