Parcel Force are fucking shite.
Fortunately, I have little cause to use them, but in this case I had no choice. I had won a bid on eBay for a super secret item in the US of A, and once in the UK (and after being briefly impounded by HM Revenue & Customs), it was up to Parcel Force to deliver it.
I had paid the VAT and clearance fee, and was informed online that deliver would take place on Monday.
At 3pm on Monday it had still not arrived so I decided to call the Parcel Force Depot. First, you have to navigate the voice recognition menu, which provides no option whatsoever to speak to a real person. Having spent a few minutes reading out my tracking number again and again, I was eventually offered the chance to speak to a human being.
“Hello, how can I help?”
“Hello, I was expecting a delivery this morning, and it has not arrived, can you tell me where it is.”
Despite reading it out loud three times already, I gave him the tracking number and he tippety-tapped it into his computer.
“Ah. It appears the driver attempted delivery this morning.”
“Attempted? What exactly does that mean?”
“It says here he couldn’t find your address.”
“But this is a big building in the middle of the town. It’s name is plastered on the side of the building and over 100 items get posted here daily. Yet he couldn’t find it?”
“It appears so.”
We confirmed they had the correct address, which they did, and he said he would try and get the driver to deliver it that afternoon. I left my mobile number with them, in case he could not find it again, and went back about my business.
At 5pm no delivery had taken place.
I called again, and once more had to navigate the voice command menu for several minutes before working my way to a real person. She then told me that they had no record of my earlier conversation and that my parcel was on its way back to the depot. They would however deliver it tomorrow. I took her name and left it at that.
The following day I decided to call mid-morning, to check that my delivery was indeed to take place. I selected the “Other services” option from the telephone menu, thinking, somewhat foolishly, that it would be a shortcut to a real person. It was not. Instead, I listened for three minutes to adverts for various international delivery services, without a single selection option, before hanging up and starting again.
After seven minutes, I was finally given the option of selecting a real person. I pressed the button, only to be informed by the computer lady that I was now in a queue. As the minutes dragged by I totted up that I had so far spent approximately twenty minutes on the phone to these incompetent shysters.
Eventually, a nice lady who identified herself as Natasha answered the phone. I explained my previous two calls to her colleagues.
“There appears to be no record of that conversation, apart from an attempted delivery yesterday. But your parcel is out for delivery with the courier today.”
“As it was yesterday, Natasha. I believe you. What I do not have any confidence in however, is the drivers ability to locate a big office block in the middle of a town. He has the address, he has my phone number, I have given you landmarks, yet despite all this, I still did not receive my parcel yesterday. Do you understand my dilemma here?”
“Yes, but it is a different driver. And I have messaged your details to him, but they don’t have company phones so sometimes they don’t call the recipients.”
“I’ll pay for the call, in cash, just please make sure it arrives today. My holiday depends upon it.”
“I will message him now.”
“By they way, can I have a number to call you directly, it takes an age to work through the automated system to speak to a real person.”
“I’m afraid that’s the only number. Is there an option to speak to Customer services?”
“No, there is not. And it took ten minutes to reach you last time.”
“OK, give me your number and I will call you this afternoon to confirm delivery or let you know if there is a problem.”
I went back to work with my fingers crossed that my super secret item would arrive in time.
No tags
Al · September 13, 2007 at 7:42 am
No they are really good. I live in Essex so they sent my parcel to Exeter. Well it does have a lot of the same letters in it! I paid £25 for delivery and it took a week.
Equine Pimp · September 13, 2007 at 8:48 am
Your holiday depends on it?
Have you been put in charge of getting the porn for the coach journey each day?
Alternatively, and I suspect more likely, what the hell have you order to complete your costume?
El Grando · September 13, 2007 at 8:51 am
It had better me some good porn after all that my saan
The Chump · September 13, 2007 at 9:12 am
I assume that your roomie for the holiday has consented to you taking a gimp suit with you? Not sure why you had to go to the US for it though, must be a special one??
Admin comment by Mr Angry · September 13, 2007 at 9:19 am
My Super Secret Item has arrived!!
lee · September 13, 2007 at 9:37 am
was it the latest sat nav gps unit
Anna · September 13, 2007 at 9:39 am
It’s one of those lurid green Borat style thongs isn’t it?
Equine Pimp · September 13, 2007 at 10:15 am
The latest GPS unit will be no use.
It might know you are 77 yards from the green but it doesn’t identify that you are knee deep in shit and have 28 trees between you and the hole.
Trust me, it is no consolation knowing that you need a gap wedge for distance and a chain saw for direction
Billyo · September 13, 2007 at 10:33 am
As the infamous Viz top tip stated:
Killed your wife, no idea how to dispose of the body? Just use mail it to yourself using ParcelForce and you’ll never see it again.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · September 13, 2007 at 11:31 am
It is not electronic, it is designed to be worn.
If I do not pull whilst wearing it, then I am giving up women.
(probably)
Equine Pimp · September 13, 2007 at 11:47 am
Please tell me that Anna is not right.
You in a Mankini. That is a thought I did not want and, if it is the case, I am glad not be
be touring this year.
GH · September 13, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Mr A, you’ve been ripped off mate. Those special pheremone scents “guaranteed” to attract women, don’t. They might cut it as a mossie repellant if you’re lucky.
GH
Admin comment by Mr Angry · September 13, 2007 at 1:12 pm
You mean my pheremone-infused jacket is worthless?
eBay is rubbish….
Duck · September 13, 2007 at 1:26 pm
It’s certainly powerful. I can smell it from Manchester
Gnarlyswine · September 13, 2007 at 1:28 pm
If its any consolation, The North American equivalents are equally shite. I have given up entirely on having anything delivered by UPS (with there random brockerage fee if delivered from the US – typically you have something worth $10 shipped and they charge a $50 brokerage fee – no rates or explanation of charges just there hidden fee)/ Canada post – I recently had a letter returned as undeliverable to my place of work……two years after it was sent. Or Purolator who seem to employ blind drivers who much like parcelpost cannot find the blindingly obvious….”The Space needle – Used to be the biggest building in world… right in the centre of toronto?….visible for miles?….its white?…..oh ffs, ill give it to a passing tourist.
And cant you get your v14gra or p3nis pump delivered from the UK Angry?
Gnarlyswine · September 13, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Oh I see it is worn – ok so its the pump.
Duck · September 13, 2007 at 1:29 pm
Although it doesn’t work on aquatic birds I’m afraid
Duck · September 13, 2007 at 1:30 pm
gnarlyswine sandwiched my comments! Effect ruined. Grrr.
Sam · September 13, 2007 at 5:30 pm
Can we please have a photo of you wearing said item? I am a glutton for punishment.
ninja chinchilla · September 13, 2007 at 11:10 pm
That and because we could all do with a laugh.
Jo · September 14, 2007 at 12:07 am
Something about this post is screaming AnnSummers.com
Hmmm.
Anna · September 14, 2007 at 9:38 am
Oh god I am right!
Glammer · September 14, 2007 at 5:53 pm
Should’ve used Fsstway Couriers. They don’t have a phone. Or a van.
sooz · September 15, 2007 at 9:15 am
It’s one of those helmet things that Lofty used to wear in ‘It Aint Half Hot Mum’ isn’t it?
Orr…. is it one of those netty things that you put around your bed to stop mozzies? I bet you’re taking fairy-lights too! You old romantic Mr Angry!
xrodneyx · September 15, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Sounds like our cityrail vs centrelink all out brawl. Via australia. AKA public transport system vs social security.
Paul · September 20, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Parcel Farce it the correct name for them.
I once had a letter addressed to me – from Parcel Farce – saying that they had a parcel for me but the driver could not find the address and could I contact them with directions. The letter specifically said it was using the same address as on the parcel and they were in the correct area but coulld not find it. So how does the postman deliver then??? – if they thought the address was incorrect – why would they expext a letter to get to me???Address was correct of course. NB. There is a Post Office 200 yards from my house! Why not ask there!
More recently, a parcel to my office did not arrive – so I rang only to be told that the address could not be found. The label had the last 3 letters of the road name missing. But it had the postcode – “our drivers do not work with postcodes”
Tossers.