We are in the pub for Wednesday Night Lads Night. No women allowed. This is because we talk about birds and sex and stuff about football, politics, the weather and absolutely positively not about ‘birds’ and girlfriends and sex*.

The One Who Talks A Lot, is talking a lot, and describing in great detail the problems he is having in the bum area after eating something ‘dodgy’. He leaves and goes to the toilet, while the rest of us finally get to speak and catch up amongst ourselves, like normal people do, with vocal chords. We make the most of these precious moments, as we will obviously be forced into mutedness when TOWTAL returns.

My phone rings. The called ID shows that it is TOWTAL calling me.

“Hello TOWTAL.” I answer, slightly bemused as to why he is phoning me having been sat with me sixty seconds earlier.

“Hello, I err, need some help.”

“Yes?”

“There is no toilet roll in here, but I didn’t notice until, you know, too late. Can you help me? Discretely?”

“Of course!” I answer, whilst standing up with the largest grin I can muster.

“EXCUSE ME!” I announce to the pub. “My friend, TWOTAL, has gone for a number two, and has discovered, too late, that there is no toilet roll in the cubicle. Does anyone have any he can borrow? Or keep, you know, if you don’t want it back afterwards?”

There are giggles. TOWTAL is on the end of the phone, and for once, he is not talking a lot.

“Here, I’ll get you a roll.” offers the not-as-cute-as-the-other-one barmaid.

With that, she hands me an industrial wheel of toilet paper and I take it into the gents, where I knock on the door and shout the secret codewords, “I have got you some TOILET ROLL so you can wipe your BUM HOLE!”

He opens the door, standing there with his pants round his ankles, which is a little disconcerting, and hungrily takes the toilet roll from my grasp.

Several minutes later he reappears, to the continuing chuckles of the pub. He tries to divert attention by telling everyone that, “There is a bloke in the toilet with no paper, poor bugger!” but no-one is believing it. Everybody knows he has been wiping his bum hole.

He sits down and begins talking, whilst the rest of us remain silent for the next 106 minutes until closing time.

* edited at request of TOWTAL.