So Owen Wilson has tried to commit suicide. Allegedly.
I realise that ‘You, Me and Dupree’ set a new all-time low for the cinematic genre we call ‘comedy’, but I am surprised by his actions. I thought he was made of sterner stuff. You can not spend 38 years on this earth, with a nose shaped like a human penis, without developing some sort of coping mechanism in the face of adversity. As coping mechanisms go, I will admit that have sex with Kate Hudson is a pretty good one (it is a bit better than my own favourite, Back to The Future DVD marathons and booze).
Apparently they split up recently, and I imagine that if I could not have sex with Kate Hudson (it is only a matter of time people) ever again, and had a nose like a human penis, then I too, would feel a little blue. But if I wanted to kill myself, I am sure I could do it properly, with none of this ‘failed attempt’ and ‘cry for help’ rubbish.
A gun in the mouth, a poorly timed walk along the train tracks, or wearing an “I prefer East 17″ sandwich board at a Take That reunion concert are all ways to guarantee your death.
Of course, maybe he was not actually trying to shuffle off this mortal coil at all, and in reality he is just looking for a sympathy shag from Ms Hudson? If this is true, then I suppose it is possible he is actually a sexually-deviant evil genius. In which case I take my hat off to old penis nose.
I can assure you that if this leads to some form of reconciliation between him and Kate Hudson (i.e. he gets a shag out of it) you can expect to see the headline in the Windsor & Maidenhead Advertiser, “Top Blogger in death bid!”
Only really fit and morally questionable well-wishers will be welcome at the hospital though, just to be clear.
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22 comments
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Twenty Major · August 29, 2007 at 9:05 am
If having only a penis shaped nose can cause such misery how does someone like Jade Goody cope when her entire face is like a leathery old scrotum with a sideways fanny for a mouth?
Jo · August 29, 2007 at 10:20 am
He was shagging Kate Hudson?
How?
What?
That’s MENTAL.
Sam Cullum · August 29, 2007 at 11:25 am
I’d rather shag Owen Wilson. Penis nose he may have, but I still think he’s rather shagable.
Glammer · August 29, 2007 at 11:46 am
I thought he was depressed because Will Ferrell had found a cheaper dolphin-faced Owen lookalike to do that ice-skating “comedy.”
I bet old Toker Robinson and his kinky wife-swaps don’t seem half bad to the Russell kid now.
bender'sbetterbrother · August 29, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Yeah, I think he remembered to cut his wrists on the wrong side. Apparently if you want to bleed to death you slice the top of your wrist not the bottom.
Of course in his case he could just have picked his nose. No chance of getting that fucker stopped.
meredic · August 29, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Thank you for making my life more complete. I have now seen many fine pictures of Ms Hudson’s finer features that I may have missed if I hadn’t read this post.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · August 29, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Twenty – So you finally found a good way to describe Enya’s gee then?
Jo – I know. I am waiting my turn patiently.
Sam – Phallic symbols on the face are clearly the way forward then.
Glammer – I actually thought that film was funny (in parts).
Bender’s Better Brother – Hello. I think that is a common mistake with suicidal retards.
meredic – My pleasure.
Sewmouse · August 29, 2007 at 4:20 pm
I had never heard of this “Owen Wilson” person before he decided to let the media know that he wanted to be relegated to obscurity to “heal” – which seems counterproductive…
“Hello, Chicago Tribune? This is Sewmouse. I just wanted to let you know that I don’t want any publicity. Thank you.”
And so I had to go and google up a photo. Angry is right. He does have a penisnose.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
TheBoy · August 29, 2007 at 5:22 pm
Suicide as a chat up line. Hmm, don’t think there’s much of a future in it.
The Girl · August 29, 2007 at 7:05 pm
Am I the only one thinking what an advantage it might be for a guy to have a nose shaped like a penis?
Yes. It’s probably just me.
The Girl · August 29, 2007 at 7:05 pm
P.S. I would. Penis-nose, penis, nose – whatever.
Léonie · August 29, 2007 at 7:46 pm
I would, too. Provided the penis and the nose stayed in their regulation places.
DodgyBird · August 29, 2007 at 7:49 pm
Um, I’m not really fit but I am really really morally questionable. Please can I come to the hospital?
james · August 29, 2007 at 8:46 pm
desperate over the loss of Kate Hudson? Oh, that’s right, you’re British. you tend to prefer the ladies with bodies like young boys. all’s forgiven.
plus, if a guy with a nose like a penis and no talent who yet manages to earn millions a year in the film industry but can’t cope then what kind of example do kids from the inner city have who’ve been told they should trade guns for hugs? I see a dramatic spike in crime for 2008.
james · August 29, 2007 at 8:47 pm
also, if his nose looks like a penis than what does his nose looks like? i think that’s the real source of the problem right there.
bittersweet me · August 29, 2007 at 9:44 pm
The Girl has a good point. I have often wished my lover had a second penis on his forehead. A penis-nose seems a more user friendly option. As long as his penis didn’t look like a nose, of course.
Four Dinners · August 29, 2007 at 10:00 pm
Gives a whole new perspective to the olde englishe greeting of “Oi dickhead!”
The Girl · August 30, 2007 at 2:34 am
@ bittersweet me: ah, a man with two penises!!! How I have prayed for one of those to be invented…
Glammerq · August 30, 2007 at 11:34 am
Oh yes, Angry, just publish how great the replacement Owen was all over the internet. That’s really going to help the real Owen’s recovery.
Has anybody heard from ben Stiller? How is he holding up? he must have a bunch of movies on hold right now.
I think we should avoid mention of penises and remind ourselves of Owen’s other talents:
http://glammerocity.blogspot.com/2005/08/so-long-and-thanks-for-all-fish.html
Shambo's revenge · August 30, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Has anyone read this?
Steve Coogan is allegedly the cause:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6969985.stm
So says Courtney Love, so Courtney, what did happen to Cobain?
Glammer · August 30, 2007 at 3:54 pm
Well, Courtney’s probably still got a grudge about the Coogan baby that was growing in her for a while there, but if Owen’s been haing out with Coogan it might be more of a Belushi-type thing that’s happened to him.
Anyway, “My thoughts are with my friend Owen at this difficult time” is such a Partridge thing to say.
Nomes · September 3, 2007 at 1:51 pm
A person sort of involved in the suburbs of my inner-city life recently ‘attempted’ suicide. I use those quotation marks with great irony – as she didn’t even require a stomach pumping (which seems to be at least some sort of benchmark standard for an ‘attempt’ don’t you think?). Am contemplating a post that includes instructions. Perhaps I can be as famous as that ‘bombmaking guide’.
Whaddya reckon!?