The motorway services on the M6 toll road are probably the newest in the country. The facilities are deemed to be the most leading edge in the industries related to helping people avoid Birmingham.
I walked in having finished half of my journey north, and in dire need of a coffee. Helpfully, Costa coffee have set up two stores, one for people who want to ’sit in’ and one for take-away. As I wanted to take away my coffee the choice was simple. Plus the server on the ’sit in’ till was particularly unattractive, clearly an oversight on the part of management. If you want people stay in the venue and spend more money, make the women servers in the ’sit in’ bit very, very fit.
As I took my take-away coffee I asked for a cup holder.
“I’m sorry?” queried the somewhat confused server.
“A holder. For the cup. You know, the cardboard ones, so I do not spill it?”
“Oh, right, we don’t have them.”
“You don’t have them? But I don’t want to spill my coffee. Do you know what percentage of cars have a cup holder capable of holding this coffee?”
“Most of them?”
“Well firstly, that is not a percentage. Seventy three per cent is a percentage. As is ten percent. Which is how many cars have a cup holder. I imagine. So now I have to take a cup of coffee with nowhere stable in my car to put it.”
“Sorry.”
This was an unsatisfactory end to our conversation, but I could not sit in the services with a take-away coffee, that would be sadder than an Osmonds reunion TV special. So I left, and headed for my car taking my coffee with me.
After trying to find a secure place in which to put my hot coffee, I found the only way I could secure it was to put the passenger seat-belt across it in the seat, as if it was a really small person like Tom Cruise. But with no arms or legs. Or a head.
So that is what I did, and to be fair, I managed to travel approximately four hundred yards before it fell over and started pouring hot coffee all over the passenger seat.
My car now fucking stinks. Of coffee (that other smell has now gone away thankfully).
No tags
Shambo's revenge · August 16, 2007 at 8:01 am
At least you didn’t try the balancing between legs trick, my voice has been an octave higher ever since.
Dr J · August 16, 2007 at 9:01 am
I take it it wasn’t a Cappucino then, what with it having no head and all…
Still on the bright side you could probably sue Costa now for the cost of the valeting and the emotional pain and distress, like that old dear did to McDonalds in the US.
(OK she sued because they didn’t warn her the coffee was hot, but did Costa actulally warn you at any stage that their cups might tip over…)
Glammer · August 16, 2007 at 9:05 am
The Osmonds reunion TV special is going to be ace. Apart from Jimmy, cos he wasn’t really in the Osmonds ’till it was all over, like Colleen in the Nolans but without the impressive cleavage. And I believe Alan might be back, with God at his side preventing his illness from spoiling the show. God is like a roadie with a line and a spliff stage left.
Salvadore Vincent · August 16, 2007 at 9:06 am
The smell of dead hooker?
AFC 30K · August 16, 2007 at 9:08 am
YOu will have to change your car for a sleak sexy model that has cup holders, Try a nice estate car…..
Jo · August 16, 2007 at 9:58 am
However, it is always cheaper to take away in these places. So just think how much you saved (about 15p): you paid less, and you didn’t have to drink looking at an absolute horror. I say thats good all round.
Mr H · August 16, 2007 at 10:07 am
This is Gods way of telling you that coffee is wrong.
The sooner we all go back to drinking tea, the way He intended, the sooner we will go back to ruling the world, as He also intended.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · August 16, 2007 at 10:23 am
Shambo – Even I am not that stupid, most of the time.
Dr J – Be warned, this is normally this is a pun free zone (mainly as I am rubbish at them)
Glammer – I am a little bit scared you know that much about them.
Salvadore – That is very unfair, she preferred the term, “Personal Services Professional”.
AFC 30K – Or just ensure I have a passenger to hold it at all times?
Mr H – It is not called ‘Costa Tea’.
Four Dinners · August 16, 2007 at 11:21 am
You ignored ‘Jo’. Probably for the best….
AFC 30K · August 16, 2007 at 11:57 am
YOu should have gone to Starchucks the do the coffee in those realy big mugs instead of daintly cups.
Aslo have a permanent passenger may be irritating after a while, but if you had to have one, who would it be??
Admin comment by Mr Angry · August 16, 2007 at 12:26 pm
FD – You are right!
Jo – Hello and my humblest apologies. Especially if you are fit.
AFC 30k – Currently? Jenna Fischer. I might change my mind by the weekend.
Angelalala · August 16, 2007 at 12:37 pm
What about one of those blow up blokes that ladies can buy to put in their passenger seat so that nasties don’t think they’re alone?
I’m sure some clever use of string around the hands would give you a cup holder that’s truly individual – and as a bonus you get someone to swear at in traffic jams!
Lolita · August 16, 2007 at 12:59 pm
This is why it helps to have an attractive female companion in the passenger seat, so that she can keep the coffee safely secured between her thighs (clad in a suitably seductive but heat-resistant fabric).
AFC 30K · August 16, 2007 at 1:01 pm
My spelling is very poor and my typos inexcusable – although I did have to hurry in posting as the sandwich lady was outside…
Sewmouse · August 16, 2007 at 3:13 pm
Do they not have those hang-on-the-window-ledge rigid plastic cup-holders that sell at the Wal-Mart here for about $1.75 over there in the UK?
Jeez, mon.
Heck – if it’s true and you don’t – e-mail me your snail and I’ll mail you one, FFS.
clarissa · August 16, 2007 at 3:21 pm
It’s a coffeshop. Not a coffee-holder shop. Really, Angry!
la cubana gringa · August 16, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Roughly 99% of American cars come with cup holders. And yet I still manage to spill my coffee everywhere. It must be that everyone else is such a horrible driver that I have to make so many sudden stops…
Sam Cullum · August 16, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Has the coffee covered up the smell and the suspect stains. Mind you the coffee stain is going to look like someone in your passenger seat crapped themselves because of your driving, which may well be the case.
Sheppitsgal · August 16, 2007 at 4:42 pm
Good. I am glad your coffee was spilt, because……..
You were planning to be one of those tossers who drink coffee while zooming along the motorway, weren’t you?!? Go on, admit it.
You should have sat in your car and drank it before you left.
God, I am livid!
Also, if you had finished your coffee at the service station, you would have been in a handy place to go for the poo that those coffees always bring on really quickly.
So, by spilling it, you avoided having to shit your pants on the motorway.
Am happy now.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · August 16, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Angelala – I have no idea what a blow up man would be used for and anyone who says that I do is ly…. etc etc.
Lolita – Like open-crotched kevlar-reinforced laderhosen?
AFC – You are forgiven.
Sewmouse – That is the most utterly transparent effort to discover the super secret location of Livid Towers I have ever read. $1.75, as if!!
Clarissa – Complementary product offerings are what make the world go round!
LCG – Really, 99%? That is interesting. Do people not drive BMW’s over there?
Sam Cullum – I do have a stain on my passenger seat actually from a can of coke that leaked ages ago. I cannot get rid of it.
Sheppitsgal – That is a very good point. Surely offering take-away coffee at the services is like selling booze at petrol stations?
TheShrink · August 16, 2007 at 6:02 pm
“Sorry.”
There’s your mistake, Mr Angry, right there.
You didn’t follow it up.
After they kindly acknowledged how wayward they’d been and confessed to their woeful paucity of holders, you should have asked, “You’re sorry, good. How sorry? Sorry enough to get a holder for me? Sorry enough not to do it again? So sorry that this is unacceptable so you won’t accept selling me the drink and will give it to me for free?”
Your failure to continu the conversation means I’ve no sympathy for your coffee scented upholstery, you should’ve had ‘em on the ropes right when the “sorry” slipped out
Admin comment by Mr Angry · August 16, 2007 at 6:10 pm
Theshrink – You are going to do me out of a job, stop it.
la cubana gringa · August 16, 2007 at 6:19 pm
American cars.
bittersweet me · August 16, 2007 at 8:00 pm
ha – i spotted your error .. of course you needed a booster seat for such a cup of low height, then the seat belt would have worked perfecto.
xl · August 16, 2007 at 8:00 pm
If Sheppitsgal had referred to you as a “wanker” instead of a “tosser,” would that have made you angry (if there is a distinction)? Just curious.
Bo · August 22, 2007 at 10:47 pm
I’ve discovered that there is only one product that solves the SPILL problem and the LEAKY SEAM problem;
TheHotTopper.com
I don’t walk out Starbucks without it – genius.