I like tomato ketchup. It reminds me of my Mum’s cooking. Back in the really olden days before plasma televisions, ketchup used to come in a solid glass bottle. I know, I know, it is hard to believe. Life truly was a daily struggle.
Fortunately someone invented technology and now we have ketchup in squeezy plastic bottles. Unfortunately, these squeezy bottles have made it nigh on impossible to get a small amount of sauce onto you plate. They have a little valve on the top that is reminiscent of a cats anus (I would imagine) and it has just the two settings. Closed, or gushing.
This is because the new bottles are designed not to drip, but what this means in practice is that the sauce either flies out with the velocity of a Lewis Hamilton fart, or it stays firmly in the bottle. This is not helpful when you have a palette as delicate as my own. A plate of chips can be absolutely ruined if you get too much sauce on them. And do not say I should ‘eat them anyway’, I am not a heathen, I am a connoisseur.
Sometimes you have to hold your hands up and say that progress for progresses sake is just not worth it.
No tags
rachie · August 3, 2007 at 9:02 am
I’m with you on this one. Too much ketchup is wrong. Can’t you get the chunky glass bottles at all? We get them in Namibia, in all their ’shake the bottle and let it gloop out’ glory.
philip · August 3, 2007 at 9:05 am
Fortunately, help is at hand from Wilkin & Sons – Tiptree, in their Savouries range.
Tiptree Tomato Sauce – in a glass botle 310ml – available in your local Tesco
(more texture than the Heinz product)
or Organic Tomato Ketchup in 210ml glass jar
Both available (UK Only) at
http://www.pick-your-own.com/
Equine Pimp · August 3, 2007 at 9:12 am
Next time you go to a pub that does food, simply pinch a load of small sachets.
TheBoy · August 3, 2007 at 9:26 am
Cat’s anus… Imagine… Right.
I’m worried about you Angry.
sooz · August 3, 2007 at 10:46 am
Surely it’s got more control than the ‘hit it hard on the bottom’ approach of yesteryear though?
Kids love it because it makes a rude noise as it parps out!
(palate and shouldn’t – you may delete this when you’ve corrected them if you wish *ducks and runs*)
sooz · August 3, 2007 at 10:48 am
PS – Tomato ketchup is good for you (albeit with heaps of sugar in….) and if you dilute it and put it on the grass where the dog has weed (wee-ed rather than weeded) – it neutralises it and you won’t get brown grass!
(somebody stop me!)
Kate · August 3, 2007 at 10:54 am
Have you tried the new Marmite Squeezy container??
Very much like a cats anus and completely bloody useless.
They should come in a tube like toothpaste….
TJ · August 3, 2007 at 10:56 am
Speaking of cat’s anuses (ani?). It was fortunate that the cat was facing a man who then got inspired to develop cats eyes in the road. Clearly, it was facing away from Mr Squeezey Ketchup!
Equine Pimp · August 3, 2007 at 11:03 am
Kate – tubes! That’s bloody genius. You should patent that idea for condiments and I look forward to using a pump dispenser for mustard.
(This is not sarcasm, I genuinely believe this is a superb idea)
Dr J · August 3, 2007 at 11:35 am
Forgive me, but what’s wrong with squirting a blob onto the side of the plate and dipping each forkful into the said blob to the required depth.
After all, as a connoiseur and bon viveur par excellence it goes without saying you always eat your chips off the finest bone china with a silver dinner fork.
Failing that just open out the wrapper and squit a blob onto the corner.
See there really is an answer for all life’s little problems. You can thank me later….
afc 30k · August 3, 2007 at 12:25 pm
it took a Phd to tell you that…..
Lulu · August 3, 2007 at 12:40 pm
I was half was through a bacon sarny when I read your cat’s anus comment – oddly my appetite suddenly left me…
GH · August 3, 2007 at 1:15 pm
I was halfway through a piece of healthy fruit when I read Lulu’s comment and now I want a bacon sarnie – with BROWN sauce!
Ketchup isn’t the answer to everything, HP rules the world.
GH.
Equine Pimp · August 3, 2007 at 1:50 pm
HP rules the world?
Can someone please let them know that they are not doing a very good job
Kate · August 3, 2007 at 2:33 pm
A decent bacon sarnie doesn’t need any sauce
Angelalala · August 3, 2007 at 2:56 pm
But mayonaisse lifts said bacon sarnie from decent to decadent.
Sewmouse · August 3, 2007 at 3:25 pm
You say “Tomato Ketchup” as if there were another kind.
I cannot think of any other kind of ketchup.
I’m fair certain I’ve never seen potato ketchup or mango ketchup or avocado ketchup…
Brom · August 3, 2007 at 6:06 pm
The Hellmans Mayo ones are even worse, when they are 2/3 empty it’s like squeezing a zit.
Jo · August 3, 2007 at 8:19 pm
There’s something in our cupboard in a glass bottle that is red and not even Heinz…it’s ‘Real Tomato Sauce’. And it’s good. Really good.
sam · August 4, 2007 at 5:05 am
we used to have ketchup in glass bottles when i was a kid – when you got to the end of the bottle, to get the last bit out, my mum used to put vinegar in to ‘loosen’ it up – yuk, give me mr squirty any day of the week.
todaysdaze · August 4, 2007 at 10:51 am
sewmouse
there is a product called mushroom ketchup – tescos sell it. I haven’t tried it though, just doesn’t seem right!
Four Dinners · August 4, 2007 at 6:09 pm
I have just inspected one of our cats and the ketchup bottle. The resemblance is indeed uncanny.