Unfortunately, I have reached a point in my life where my peers have started having babies (for clarification I am twenty-twelve and from Windsor, not fifteen and from Bracknell).

I find this upsetting on so many levels. Firstly, my drinking circle is reducing a bit too rapidly. I have greatly enjoyed the many stag-dos I have been to over the last few years, but the subsequent christenings do not offer the same opportunity to hit on the attractive female friends of your mate’s now wife. And I have yet to receive a positive response to the question, “Can we all go lap dancing now?”. Perhaps I should wait until we leave the church before asking next time.

I have heard the excuse about ‘body clocks’ too many times recently, and I have to say it is all utter bollocks. I have read articles on the Internet about men in their eighties who have fathered children. This means we literally have at least fifty years to go before that procreation imperative kicks in. I do not see what the hurry is?

The first twelve months of a babies life seems, to me at least, to be excruciatingly dull. Sleep, cry, eat, shit. Repeat ad nauseum. I do not have any interest whatsoever in that, and on the rare occasions you make it to the pub I have no interest in hearing how many hours sleep the ‘little one’ now has each night. Four hours in one go eh? That is totally rubbish. A couple of years ago I did sixteen hours without waking once. And I did not shit myself either (it was a close call though).

There is an advert in my local gym for a class especially for new-born babies called “Mind, Body and Sole.” I did not realise that a lot of babies have problems with the bottom of their feet, but that is not what caught my attention. The reason I spat my water out when I walked past it was the fact that they have used a picture of possibly the ugliest child ever to crawl the planet to advertise it. Seriously. I did not know whether to feel sorry for the parents or call NASA and explain that first contact had been made. If you do not believe me, click here to see the photo taken with my phone.

If you have an ugly baby, please keep it behind locked doors until it is old enough for cosmetic surgery. It is best for all concerned. Thank you.

No tags