I do not enjoy shopping. I like the buying things bit, but the wandering round looking for something you like is frankly, a pain the rectum.

An ideal shopping trip for me would be wandering into a shop, my eyes falling on the first thing I see, liking it, and buying it. All in under a minute. Browsing is boring, and in certain stores can be more than a little uncomfortable.

Last Saturday I went shopping for a new shirt, and wandered into an independent clothes shop. You will all know the kind I mean. A bit pricey, full of lots of designer gear worn only by fashion students, but also some nice things at a reasonable price.

“Hello mate, how’s it going? Let me know if you need anything.” said helper number one as I entered the shop.

“I’m fine thanks.” I replied before heading over to look at the jeans. I always start at the jeans. Even when I am not interested in buying some jeans. I think it is a comfort zone thing.

A few minutes passed and I glanced about the store. There were only six of us in there, the others being uber-trendy types with weird hair cuts and jeans way too tight for them Yes, I felt right at home. One of them came over to me.

“Is there anything I can help you with?” he asked.

“No, I’m just browsing thanks.”

He bloody worked there! I caught the eye of another one, who looked away immediately. It was just like when you catch a girl eying you up in a nightclub and she looks away when you catch them in the act. I imagine.

“We’ve got them in other sizes if you need?” said helper number three whilst I looked at a rack of t-shirts.

“Right, I’ll let you know if I see something I like, OK?” I responded, beginning to get slightly annoyed with the incessant enquiries. I am not a shoplifter, and certainly do not require a helper to follow me round the shop

I completed a bit more browsing as I got more frustrated at not seeing anything I liked. Do people not sell normal shirts any more?

“Is there anything I can help you with?” asked trendy assistant number four.

I considered the “I have an itchy ring-piece. Do you have anything for that?” Or “what is a nine letter word for ‘word puzzle’” Instead I just said, “No, like I said to your colleagues just a few moments ago, I’ll let you know if I need any help, OK?”

No more than a minute later assistant number five made his way across to me. Before he had the chance to open his mouth, I began, “I do not need any other sizes, I have yet to see anything I like so I do not want to try anything on, and I am not in need of any other help, thank you!”

“Right.”

Then I went home. Shirtless.

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