As I am now on the road to full recovery following my recent shoulder dislocation, I have stepped up the fitness regime in order to be ready for the new football season. For a change.

As such, I decided to buy some proper running shoes from a proper shop that does proper sports equipment. Not fashion sports like K-Swiss and Sergio Tacchini.

“We’d like to watch you run on the treadmill for a moment to assess your running style, we don’t like to sell you any running shoes without selecting the most appropriate ones for you.”

I stood there in my suit and wondered how we were going to achieve this.

“It’s OK, we have some shorts you can borrow.”

He gave me the shorts and led me to a changing area where I disrobed my bottom half. I then tried to put on the shorts. Honestly, I really did try. I treble checked the size, as it appeared he had given me children’s shorts by mistake. I figured it must be some sort of practical joke and so I scoured the room for hidden webcams.

It is not that I am fat. No. It is just that I am built like a footballer, not a skinny runner. Running shorts are a little on the skimpy side at the best of times, and I would be as likely to wear them in public whilst running as I would be to wear Speedos to the pool. Unfortunately, it was either run in the shorts provided, or in my pants, which I have not done since Mr. Stapely refused to believe I had forgotten my kit for Cross Country. The cunt.

I left the room wearing the borrowed shorts and self-consciously made my way to the treadmill.

“You can take your tie off if you like?” suggested the assistant.

Just then, a woman entered the shop, stopped in her tracks, and looked at me. I can only assume that with my shirt and tie on, it appeared I had nothing on my bottom half.

“You have to take your trousers off if you want to buy anything, it’s the rules!” I said smiling, perhaps a little too maniacally.

She did not look amused. Or comfortable.

I got on the treadmill and apparently I over-pronate slightly. So they charged me SEVENTY ENGLISH POUNDS for a pair of running shoes to correct this. Surely this is not right? Now I can not help but feel a little bit nauseous every time I go running due to thinking of the money I am literally rubbing into the floor.

No tags