All this rain at the moment is a bit shit, isn’t it?

I should reasonably expect to be bathed in sunshine at this time of year. Obviously, this shit weather is because God is judging us on the immorality and greed of modern society. Well, I say obviously, I guess that to some it is not immediately so. Fortunately help is at hand and this is what the Rt Rev Graham Dow, Bishop of Carlisle, explained for us all. And he should know.

Your first thought may well be, “He is clearly as mad a bottle of cake!”. But what if he is right? Clearly the message we are being given by the Almighty is that we should all live like the people in holiday resorts all over the world. God has made the weather absolutely tremendous over there, while he smites us heathens in the UK. He must really fucking hate the Eskimos.

The Big Man Upstairs has apparently given up communicating with us via Prophets and so-called ‘Mysterious Ways’ and now talks to us directly through the Meteorological Office, which is progress of a kind I suppose. They say that the sun shines on the righteous, and so I guess this article proves that it must be true.

My younger brother is in Ayia Napa at the moment, and I hear it is non-stop drug taking, clubbing and shagging out there. Yet the sun shines for almost twenty hours of every day. This tells me, quite conclusively, that God really loves his pills, drum and bass, and loose women. I am grateful for this guidance, because I would not have known how to live my life from this point forwards if it were not for the Reverend Graham Dow and his weather-referenced preaching.

I am delighted this man of the cloth has shown me the error of my ways. I feel like I have been given a second chance, and I plan to make the most of it. Trust me, this weekend I am going to go clubbing every night and take copious amounts of pills until they rattle around inside me like I am a big old drug-addled set of dancing maracas. Then I will pull whatever drunken strumpet I can get my hands on.

Please note, I am only doing this for you. As a result of my selfless actions, it will be completely safe for you all to book your barbecues for this Sunday afternoon, because trust me, it is going to be fucking boiling. It is the will of God.

Do not thank me, really.

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